The Gosselins Go Green (Recap)

Thank you Dew for the recap!

Joel's on his free bike from Ellen with training wheels, and I think he says, "On this episode of GREEN Jon and 8 Plus Eight," but it totally sounds like "bean" Jon and Kate Plus 8. Poor Joel. So, green Jon and Kate? Green as in green with envy of other wealthy Americans such that you will stop at nothing to also have their VIP vacations, mansions and cars? Perhaps green as in all the greenbacks they've made off their unsuspecting children. Or green as in I'm going to be sick if I have to listen to Kate for five more minutes.

But no, apparently it's green as in helping the environment. Okay, I'm not buying this from the very start, since in the past Jon and Kate have shown themselves to be about as green as a fire truck. Also, here's a thought. If you don't want to be a drain on the environment, don't have eight kids who will go through approximately a million and a half disposable diapers in their little lives and God knows how many paper plates.

Credits roll, and they've changed the credits parachute to green with their fancy CGI graphics. So clever of them. Alexis speaks, but not sure what she says. I am not making fun of the kids, I just honestly cannot understand them.. I hope their parents find time away from their busy exciting celebrity lifestyles to address their children's concerning speech delays.

In a shameless crossover, Steve Thomas comes over to install solar panels. Apparently Steve is from some obscure show, I'm guessing no one watches except maybe my grandpa, three of his friends, and maybe a couple of guys from high school handy with a hammer who haven't gotten married yet.

Did I mention we're between seasons? TLC can't leave their cash cows just standing around grazing for six weeks. They really cannot help themselves. The thing is TLC had a great cliffhanger at the end of last season, with Jon implying he had had it with that shrew. It does them no good to shove this family back in our faces not a few weeks later so we can all see Jon is around and nothing has changed. The whole point of cliffhangers is to leave you hanging! Speculating whether Jon left her yet and how many dogs he took with him, speculating how many college girls he made out with this time, how much beer pong he has played, things like that. Like remember the cliffhanger at the end of one of the seasons of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, where they totally made us think Sully fell off a cliff and died, and poor Dr. Mike was left all alone to raise his baby? Then we had to wait four excruciating months only to find out he just busted a couple legs? Gaah! Now that is how you work a cliffhanger.

Steve does his obligatory thirty seconds hanging out with the kids. I think Steve might like going green a little too much, make your mind up here. That's right, he tells Joel that his bike has a faster color. A faster…color? Joel looks up at him like he's a total freak, which he kind of is shaping out to be, and goes, "What? What???" Giving up on this weirdo, Joel pedals away. Ha!

Jon actually refers to the house as his crib. How old are you, Jon? But I guess I'll give him that. Once you have a house big enough to be featured on MTV, you've earned the right to call it a crib. Jon, you've arrived in the eyes of a 16-year-old. Steve explains what he is going to do with the help of a graphic. Sounds simple enough. Install solar panels. Sun heats up panels. Heat is converted into energy. Gosselins save money. Or, TLC does. Whoever is footing the utility bill. Kate complains that it is super annoying to have a bunch of people at her house giving her free stuff. The only thing that comforts her is giving her an hour-by-hour breakdown of what will happen. She sounds like a dream to work for.

At least Jon is helping Steve out, climbing up on the roof with him and his team. This looks kind of fun. It's so steep they have to use rock climbing equipment. Oh, no, the solar panel delivery truck is delayed! This SUCKS! Whatever will they do? There is a long, boring conversation about what to do, which I will spare you. Bottom line is the Gosselins complain some more about how disrupted their schedule is, and Kate calls going green "whatever." Obama just crossed her off his short list for Environmental Czar.

Kate can't handle watching all this, so she claims she's inside baking, and even goes so far as to assert she went grocery shopping. Although we never actually see this. Who is watching the kids when Jon is on the roof and Kate is "baking" and "shopping"--read, laying in bed with her laptop and going to the spa? Not-a-nanny? Apparently these almost-five-year-olds can't be simply told not to go on the lifts, they have to put out orange cones and block them with picnic tables. Yet another instance of Jon and Kate deflecting a problem instead of addressing it head on. If the kids visit Niagara Falls someday, there will be no cones or picnic tables to block them from the edge.

Steve gives the kids a cute explanation of photons and electrons, having them bump into each other in demonstration. He shares in their snack, and Hannah says in an eerie imitation of Kate, "You don't have a snack. You didn't take a nap!" Yikes, scary! So Kate doesn't feed the children unless they take a nap? Good grief. Kate calls the free workers "ridiculous," then feeds them brownies from craft services. Er, that she baked. "I'm kidding," she monotones.

Coming up, Kate bitches some more about this awesome project. Commercials. Is there some catch to, "lose your job, you don't have to make car payments" thing? It sounds too good to be true. I find this commercial SO ironic as we watch the Gosselins install what must be quite honestly close to what, a 30, 40 thousand dollar project? I'm totally guessing. We're back! The solar panels are here, oh thank God. Kate would rather have a root canal than have projects done. Steve says, "You and I grew up very differently." Oh, burn! Nice subtle insult, Steve. The kids are already getting attached to solar panel workers who will leave them in two days, great.

Kate admits she doesn't give a damn about actually being green. At least she is honest about it. FOR freaking ONCE. Bottom line she cares about saving the money. Hey, the only reason I'm looking at hybrids is for the gas mileage. Quite honestly, I am not as into the environment as soooo many people seem to be these days, for a variety of my own boring reasons. So I had to laugh when Kate deadpans, "The earth is only gonna last so long ANYWAY." I'm gonna remember that one. Kate earns a tiny bit of respect for being honest about going green. Also in her second truly funny comment in 18 minutes, Kate calls the solar panels "roof jewelry." That's free roof jewelry, Kate. Steve tries to tell an embittered Kate how to conserve more energy like buying energy efficient appliances. Give it up, Steve.

They claim this all happened over Valentine's Day. Jon is nowhere to be found on the actual day. Hmm, and the blog had several reports Jon was at a bar that night, not spending time with his wife or kids. Poor Aaden stumbles all over his "coming up next" line.

The kids are playing in all the empty solar panel boxes. Oh, that is so refreshing. Kids don't need a trip to San Diego or Utah or whatever theme park. They need a box. A box, and love. That's it. The men are strapping Kate in. No, not into a straightjacket. You wish. Just into the rock climbing equipment. They take Kate up on the lift, and she's super scared. I am not going to make fun of her, since I'm afraid of heights too. The panels are FUGLY I have to say. Quite wealthy friends of mine have solar panels, but they're tucked away on the back of their house along the fence that no one will ever see, except from aerial shots of their nice home that they worked very hard for without pimping out their kids. Steve explains all the tax credits they get for this stuff. Cool. Kate's attempt to act interested is pathetic. After all, she doesn't do her own taxes anymore. I bet she might even think she doesn't have to pay them either. You know, karma in the form of the taxman could be very sweet. Then she tells Steven most of what he says will be edited out. Oh, wow. Bitch! She deserves all the snide comments Steve will make about her the rest of this episode.

Commercials, and we're back. Panels are done, and now it's time to install …. something, I'm not sure. Is this episode an hour? Ugh. They install the something-or-other that I'm sure is very environmentally friendly. Hehe, Shoka won't fetch for Kate. Shoka is participating in what I'll call Civil Disobedience, or non-violent resistance to Kon. Much like Gandhi did in his time. Against the British Empire. If he keeps going like he has, Shoka could be the first martyr in this movement.

Poor Steve is still hoping Kate will develop an interest in going green and in all the free stuff he's doing for her. Steve, don't hold your breath. The weather turns, and it begins to snow. No one has commented about the weather in Pennsylvania. It's like the elephant in the room. I lived there for four years, the winters are LONG. Maybe I'm wrong, but do solar panels really make sense in a cold and cloudy environment like PA?

Your mileage might vary.

Oatmeal raisin cookies are healthy? I mean they're better than chocolate chip I guess, but who is Kate kidding? Steve has totally had it by now with this shit. He's letting it all loose, totally making fun of Kate, saying that when she bakes her motherly side comes out. Ha! Weird or not, I'm really starting to love Steve.

Day three, and we're going to build a picnic table with reclaimed wood. That's cool. Mady and Cara get to help Jon and they have a ball. I know Kate is just trying to say she loved the first table, but saying she wanted two made just sounds ungrateful. Sometimes I feel just a tiny bit sorry for her, because I'm not convinced she's fully aware of how unappreciative and stuck up she always sounds. I made a picnic table once with my dad, helping him paint it red and staining my good church clothes. My mom was furious, but it was one of my favorite memories with him. Every once in awhile they have these little moments with their kids that are truly great that, like I have, their kids will remember forever. So much more of their lives are so sad and neglected. Steve brings up the snack issue again, and the kids again tell him he has to take a nap. He reclines on the new picnic table. Ha!

Oh, Colin said his line perfectly. I hope he gets a snack. Next, Steve who really is a stranger, teaches the children "righty tighty, lefty loosey." I STILL remember that from when Grandpa taught me that when I was eight and helping him out in his workshop. I still use that.

We're back, and the kids help Steve install solar lights for the driveway. Aw, Steve says he has a son, too. He seems like a cool dad. Righty tighty. Aw. He calls one of the kids sweetheart. Does Kate ever do that? Kate thanks the workers, and Kon says they're happy with how it turned out. Jon says Jude thinks the panels are sexy. Okay, who is Jude? Not the nanny? As his final insult, Steve gives some parenting tips these parents clearly often don't do, like getting the kids involved in projects. And I don't think he's talking about filming projects.

It's no secret this family will be back for another long torturous season on May 25th. They could have just used all this footage as a regular episode and not interrupted my break from this show. Kate says they're green now, or greenish. Since dinner will arrive on paper plates and in Styrofoam cups, I'm going to go with greenish.