A Real Estate Story - Kate Shows Her Old House to a Potential Buyer

Based on a suggestion in the "old house on the market" posts....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Nicely dressed couple comes to front door of a generically attractive home in the PA suburbs.]

Oh. Hi. I'm, um, well, you know who I am, right? I am supermom, Kate Gosselin. I'm glad you came to see this house, because anyone would, um, be fantabulously lucky to live here. After all, you'd, um, be living in a house that was on TV. On TLC, Mondays at 9 eastern. Year round new episodes, because the show is our, um, life and our life is the show.

Well, um, anyhow, here's the living room. It's too small for my family. We, um, have 8 kids. Yes, EIGHT kids. And I had 6 of them all at one time. Just a tip, if you, um, have a super uterus, you can, um, have kids who are marketable too. It's a great way to live without having an actual job.

And, um, here's the kitchen. It would be perfect for you unless you are, um, famous, and need space to think and cook soup, and make up sandwich recipies. Because, um, if you have a camera crew in here, it's disasterously small feeling. What was that? Oh, the lights? Well, they add amazingly to the, um, you know, value of the house. They are awesome lights if you want to film your kids screaming, eating, hitting each other, and crying while you, um, yell at your husband to move out of your way. But we love each other, and will be together forever.

This is my most fabulousness laundry room. I hate laundry, because getting the, um, stains out of clothes is so very very horrifically horrible. And if there are stains, the value of the, um, free clothing drops drastronomically when you try to sell it for a profit. Whiuch we, um, were occasionally awesome enough to give to help others, like, um cancer kids. Because they have, um, a hard time, and we are givers. I gave them copies of my, um, book too! But no gum. Gum is NOT OKAY. Especially if a free babysitter gives it to your kids and they get a smear on their free, um, clothes, or their treasurific lovey.

Oh, I almost forgot the most awesome thing about the, um, laundry room. It's a great place to park a kid who's vomitous, because the floor is easy to clean. And if the sick kid has a fever, the floor is, um, nice and cold. To keep the sick kid cool.

Um, here's the closet in the, um, master bedroom. I used to send my husband in here to, um, work. Yes, he worked in here. A lot. Very hard work. With email. And, you don't really need to see the rest of this bedroom and bathroom. Because it would be horrendously horrific if my privacy was somehow, um, violated. Even though I have not lived here in months. I had to have somewhere I could hide from my kids...I mean...fans, you know, and when I lived, um, here, in this too small house, this was where I, um, hid. It was awesome.

[Couple starts to fidget. Husband looks at wife and mouths, "What the hell?"]

There are some teeny tiny 24' x 12' bedrooms upstairs. One was the, um, gross and icky boy room. And one belonged to the bestest girl ever, my Hannie. We let, um, Leslie. No, Libby. No, let me um....LEAH, that's it! She, um, wasn't a disturber like that awful Alexis, so Leah shared Hannie's room. Um, what? Where did Alexis the disturber sleep? In the basement, because she, um, totally liked it down there all alone. It was awesome. So if you have a noisy, um, disturber, you can lock her down there to sleep. Which we really, um, only did that one time. Really. And she thought she was, um, a bat.

And yeah, um, there's a bathroom, where we let people film the kids taking baths all the time, until they were able to write out a notorious, notificated, um, OFFICIAL requesting of privacy. We also used to film them going potty, but all the, um, rumors about not emptying the potties promptifiedly are, um, false. Just like everything else about us that we don't, um, say ourselves. Did I mention the awesome new floors throughouted the house?

There's an attic, with a very pink bedroom we had our older girls sleep in. They used to be, um, really cute, but then they got kind of grumpied and sullen. I think they were jealous of how I wrote a book. And another book, and then a cookbook! The loud one has braces now, and they both get teased at school, for some, um, bewilderable reason.

We, um, also have a backyard, with an adorableness filled deck. We got our picture taken on this deck once. For some, um, magazine. It was awesome. Although, there was some whining about being hot. I thought when kids were 4 or so they would be better at having fun living their lives, and not, um, complain so much during their funnest work. Because the show is our lives, you know. Oh, yeah, there's a playset. We never used it much, because the kids stayed cleaner playing on the front driveway. And they didn't want to run around in the grass anyhow. I raised them to, um, avoid getting dirty. Because being clean is awesome. And adds value to all their old clothes.

So, that's it. A way too small house for ME, but I bet you would love it, especiaticularly since you are a giganormous fan of my show, Jon and Kate plus 8. Um, any questions? Great, so, um, when can you have the check for me? After all, we live hand to mouth, and, um, clip lots of coupons. The little girls do it for me. Because boys are yucky, and, um, the big girls suddenly don't like to pretend to be money savering.

[Couple looking at house were glazed over with boredom, now looking panicked.]

Hello? HELLO! I am standing here with my, um, hand out, can you not see me? Where is my full asking price check? We will let you have the old coffee cup, the hair clips, and the randomnestic notes and papers if you can pay us today. If you ask me nicely, I might even toss in a picture of myself and my kids and husband for free. That's, um, a $20 value, you know!

[Couple sprints back to their car, and screeches away.]

I am calling the realtoress. She needs to find better sheeple to look at this house. I am exhausted. Exhausted!

Jon? I need coffee and a nap, right NOW!

Submitted by chick.