How to Be a Professional Manipulator

From Lauren:

I have been thinking about Kate and what she can do if she cannot find a talk show. I have come up with a way that she can have the attention she seeks from an audience and the money she needs to support her kids, and something that will keep her traveling! So I have come up with the idea that Kate can be a "Professional Manipulator" giving how-to speeches across the country!

Some of the things she can talk about are the following:
"The Art of Lying Effectively and How Not To Get Caught" Although she needs work on the latter part!
"Crying To Get What You Want"
"Berating and Belittling 101"
"Attention Seeking Behavior"
"The Use of a Good Coupon"
"How To Manipulate With a Wooden Spoon"
"How to Con Churches Out of Their Money"
"How to Brainwash The Sheeple Population Into Thinking That You Are a Christian"
"How To Dress Like a Fashionable Hooker"
"RoadKill Hairstyles"
"Sarcasm and Children: How To Do It Effectively"
"How to Scream at Annoying Fans Effectively So That They Do Not Bother You Again"
"Avoiding Tough Questions and How To Answer Them Without Answering Them!"
"How To Plan and Conceive A Multiple Birth"
"Grandparents, Family and Friends--When They Are No Longer Useful"
"The Love of Money-Put Your Priorities in Order"
"How To Use Words Not in the English Language to Your Advantage""
The Art Of Narcissism"
and "How To Get Everything Free"

My tiles are not as creative as some of the other posters could come up with--but you get the idea!!

Thank you, Lauren. I hope you don't mind we made your comment a post.

78 comments:

Sarah Gold said...

"How To Pretend You're Cooking When You Really Have No Clue How"

"How to Humiliate Others in Three Easy Steps"

"How (Not) To Dress For Success"

"Wine - It's Not for Just Cooking Anymore *wink*"

"Starbucks Cups and Their Many Uses"

"Bikinis - They're Not Just For Good Bods Anymore"


"How to Ignore Your Husband and Children's Basic Needs"

Oh my....I could go on and on LOL

Claire said...

Very clever. I especially liked "Roadkill Hairstyles."

Here's one:
"How to Forever Humiliate Your Children By Televising Their Potty Training"

NoUse4Kate said...

Bravo Lauren! Love it because it is spot on. :)

Sarah Gold said...

Sorry, Lauren, I omitted what a great post you did...great job!

DLCSF said...

"Bitchface For Dummies"

MomOf4InPA said...

Here are a few that came to mind:

"Boys Are Yucky! - and other ways to make your kids feel 'special'."

"Huge Sunglasses and Plastic Lawn Chairs - How to take functional everyday items and make them look cheap and trashy"

"Im not a real mom but I play one on TV"

"Water Bottle Keep Away - Keeping your kids in line by denying them something to drink"

cooking show, ha! said...

"Farm to Plastic Tray: Jesus made it, Henry growed it, Kate ruins it, the kids don't eat it"

fidosmommy said...

Loved it, Lauren!

May I add to it, although I do think your list pretty well hits all the buttons. Good job!

Here's my lame attempt:

- How to Lose Friends and Intimidate People Without Even Trying.

- 50 Ways to Leave Your Kids

- Crooks, Bandits and Desperados for Christ

- Keeping Your Weapons Hidden: Class 1) Chinese Stars in Hair
Class 2) Wooden Spoons Nowhere Near Pots

- Buying Shoes for the Ranch, Target, and Other Swanky Spots

- Tips on How to Keep Your Miserable Children That Way Forever

- When The Neighbors Want to Mow Their Grass and Other Annoying Stuff

- Tools to Pull Out of the Bag When Things Don't Go Your Way
Class 1) Hubby
Class 2) Kleenex
Class 3) Wooden Spoon (reprise)
Class 4) Paid Paparrazzi

I'm done for now. Mind's kind of numb from thinking about Kate too long.

anonymouse said...

Is this the table of contents of Kate's new book?

ErinKate said...

How to Think People are Stupid with Short Memories and Don't Remember Watching you Humiliate and Say Awful Things to your Husband and Children.

lukebandit said...

kate's new book about bodyguarding!

you saw them on the beach in SC, you loved them on the Utah plane, Mady and Cara were tramatized by them in San Diego and now from best selling author, Kate Gosselin:

Steve: How to Train your Bodyguard in 10 easy positions.
by kate gosselin

table of contents:

Sea Shells Cop-out

Mady and Cara to Kate: you've got some splaining to do!

How to quickly pack up your daughters and fly them back across the US back to their home when things hit the fan.

How to order nice things and pick them up at the Fed-Ex and give them as gifts to the paps for the paps to pics program.

How to pump your own gas while the bodyguard goes inside to pay.

How to train your bodyguard to be a valet/and kid scarer.

available at momlogic.com haha

lukebandit

Ohio Buckeye said...

Sextuplets: The Solution When Your Life Lacks Attention and Adequate #'s of Controllees

Niki said...

"Food, Water and Other Rare Treats"

AuntieBon said...

How to get hard-earned money without a job.

Lauren said...

Love the list! Here's one I thought of:

"Gaslighting: The art of raising a mentally abused child."

I'm kidding of course. It's quite a shame when your own mother gaslights one of her kids. I see Kate gaslighting Mady all the time and it is mental abuse. Shame on you Kate Gosselin!

NoUse4Kate said...

anonymouse said...

Is this the table of contents of Kate's new book?


**************

ROFL! Thanks for the laughs today fellow GWOPers. It's kind of fun watching the ship sink, isn't it?

Laura said...

Did anyone see the Baltimore Sun's review of Kate on The View? They called her "Intellectually and verbally slow." Um ouch.

I'm smelling a book title...

"How to raise 8 kids when you are intellectually and verbally slow"

"Intellectually and verbally slow: The unauthorized Kate Gosselin biography."

Tee hee...

Huh said...

Great post, Lauren!

"The Many Uses of Bodyguards"

"The Power of Mother's Instinct"

"How to Cry on Demand Without Any Actual Tears!"

"How to Justify Anything With Four Easy Words: It's for the Children"

organizedblogroll said...

Courage to be BITCH.

enoughalready said...

Excellent posts! Love it! I'd like to add some -
"Perfect Match - Orange bikinis and orange tans"

"The Tranny Look at the Beach"

"How to Look Good Under $3"

"How to Look Good for $0.99"

"Acting 101 - Timing is Everything"

"Public Relations 101 - Timing is Everything"

Just too many...my head's in a whirl...ROFL

Robinbeau said...

OMG, you folks are a riot today -- thanks for the wit and wonderful laughs!

But don't forget my persoanlly favorite chapter,
"How to Make Jon Truly Sorry for Fogetting to Use the Coupons"

Tyra said...

-How to Pimp-out Your Kids in Five
Easy Lessons

-Manipulation for Dummies

-How to Throw Your Husband Under
the bus

-Fakery 101

-Fine Dining ala Gosselin

Robinbeau said...

"Plastic Dinnerware is the New Black"

"I Coulda Used Sporks"

"Bibs R Us"

"Table Manners Be Dammed"

"How to Save Cash Using No Napkins"
(It's for the children.)

"No Glass = Cash"
(It's for their college.)

"Even Teens Use Tommy Tippies"
(It's the high road.)

she's so dumb said...

Cooking for Multiples: You Get What You Get

Penalty of Severeness: Growing up Gosselin

20 Pounds of Skin and Flab: the Story of my Tummy Tuck

Clown Car Uterus: It Worked for Me

dustilies said...

"Performing for the Paps: How to dress and act as if you are trying to disguise your identity while making sure everyone turns to look"
Part One: Huge sunglasses
Part Two: Fugly hats
Part Three: Acrylic Nails--Long, longer, longest
Part Four: Breast implants--skip big and bigger and go right to biggest
Part Five: Trophy Bodyguards
Part Six: Getting managers to close entire stores so you can shop in privacy
Part Seven: Making a "mommy on the go" outfit completely impractical with silly shoes
Part Eight: Wear nice short skirts and flashy underpants while caring for eight small, active children.
Part Nine: Reckless driving in showy cars
Part Ten: Camera Angles and how to place your white plastic chair in optimal sightlines.


Since we can only be sure she can count as high as ten, I'll stop there.

Thanks for all the great laughs, y'all!

readerlady said...

Y'all are too funny! Here are my contributions.

"How to lose husbands and traumatize children in one easy lesson."

"26 Acres and how not to use them"

"Driveway Picnics - a training manual"

Robinbeau said...

"My Prison Plates ARE by Martha Stewart"
(Brought to you by Cascade.)

BadViewofKate said...

OMG - You just wrote her next book.

heehee

May I add one?

-Paparazzi on Speed Dial - And how to make their appearance seem random.

ABadViewofKate said...

"Chewies - They're not just for Toddlers anymore"

or

"Chewies - It's what all the teenagers are doing" ['cause you know they will still have them]

"Grapes and Crackers - It's what's for Dinner"

Lauren said...

Wow--I am surprised that my "professional manipulator" comments became a post! It was fun thinking of all the things Kate does and turning them into a book or seminar!I love all the other comments also!I am glad everyone has had some fun!
Thanks!

Just a note: No, Kate did not write this--I know I used far too many exclamation points!!!!

jasmine said...

Kate Gosselin's new cookbook. Organic gardening and favorite recipes from her own vegetable garden. Book consists of a front and back cover.

Ohio Buckeye said...

You are all just making me LOL - so creative, so funny, and so on-the-mark!

alana said...

Puppies To Dogs:

How To Re-Gift Christmas Presents
When They Get Too Big.

(or you "need a break.")

enoughalready said...

Thanks Lauren for this 'Professional Manipulator's' post.
I've havn't had such a good laugh in long time. Love all the titles! Especially love the one about the coupons!

I'm still thinking of more!

shoka and nala hate Kate said...

How to Make Your Kids Hate You

"You Are Not Welcome": Making Christmas Memories the Gosselin Way

Crating Shoka and Nala: Raising Dogs by a Bitch

Its not about the food said...

No eat Children's cupcakes

Unbirthday Cakes

Well your stuck with me, breakfast

They're ruined, vanilla ice cream

Hide the wine bottle Punch

Organic fluff smores (or as Kate pronounced them "schmores"

Where's my husband soft ice cream cups

disgusted in nj said...

How To Succeed At Slutting.

My favorite was "Regifting
Christmas Presents When They Get Too Big."

Robinbeau said...

We need to vote and send The Top Ten to Letterman!

jasmine said...

Kate's tailgating party. Kate's grilled salmonella enhanced breasts of chicken, Jon's in the doghouse chili, shuck it yourself corn on the cob (bring your own garbage can), Kate's punt kick Jon cake and chocolate nut balls. Note: one ounce of tap water will be served on request. BYO sippy cups, plastic forks, corn picks, paper plates, and floss.

SwingsandRoundabouts said...

LOL Just wonderful. I'm having such a laugh. How about...

How to flap and clap your hands for maximum effect.

Tyra said...

Title for book

The Kate Gosselin Story: Why I Didn't Lay Down and Die

Go Away Katezilla said...

"How to Always Receive and Never Give"

"How to turn every conversation back to you."

"Your Kids and their many monetary uses"

"I Do It For My Kids" - the phrase that will win people over.


Effective Humiliation 101
1. Yell at your husband across the crowded store.

2. Point out husband's receding hairline and paunch.

3. Laugh out loud at his expense

Duckman said...

"Multiple Births - Not Just for Dogs, Cats, and Pigs Anymore"

"Self-Justification 101: It Ain't Whoring If I'm Doing It"

"Introduction to Alternate Realities"

"Performance Driving Techniques for Doing 95 MPH Without Headlights on a Dark Road"

"The Only Laws I Obey Are My Own"

"Filling, Hearty Meals - Myth or Reality?"

"You Can Never Have Too Much of Anything [That's Free]"

zee said...

How the Grinch Stole 8 Childhoods

shoka and nala hate Kate said...

How to Make Your Husband Want to Lay Down and Die Using Only Your Words

Jooooooooon: The Art of Caring for Multiples While Sitting on Your Ass

Hating Kate said...

Using Clomid for fun and profit.

Medical advice for sick children including the use of a cold laundryroom floor, money camera shots, ignoring the vomit noise, and vomitous children I've known.

Sweaty, constipated, icky boys and all I've had to overcome while shopping for free stuff.

Going green while using a tree's worth of paper products each day.

How to use, abuse and discard relatives, along with teaching your children to do the same.

Selling a transvestite body on the beach and in the driveway...the wave of the future. Thank you, Kate tree-trunk Gosselin.

Liv's Mommy said...

Are you having a tough time making your money stretch during these hard economic times! Well we have just the thing for you! From TLC's hit show Jon & Kate Plus 8, Kate Gosselin is now offering a two part training seminar in how to save money and gain attention!!!
Part one of the seminar is how to feed your kids just enough to live but not grow! This class teaches you how to sustain life in your little ones while keeping them small enough to allow you to continue to get them into places for free or at a discount price. Many places offer free or dicounted admission/meals/etc. for children under a certain age. We'll use the age of three for an example, so by barely feeding them they stay samller thus making people think they are younger than what they are. These discounts are huge and can save you a lot of money. The more kids your have the more money you are saving!
And if you enjoy part one return next week to learn how to ignore your children thus developmentally stunning them at at a young age. You will learn how to keep your children behind developmentally in order to obtain multiple things for free or at a discounted price. You can't take the chance that they will say something intelligent and ruin all of your hard work starving them to keep them small. Taking part 2 of this seminar is essential so that you don't let your children put all of your hard work at risk! And if you are successful enough you may even have your children qualify for special government services (a registered nurse or even more). This seminar teaches you how to discourage learning by fighting the urge to read to child and teaches you how to affectively reinforce baby like behaviors such as making your children wear bibs all of the time, sit in high chairs until high school, and having them drink from sippy cups while celebrating their 21st b-day. As an added bonus we will supply a cook book containing marinades for chewies. These marinades are sure to keep your kids coming back for more and making them seem so young and still adorable!
And if you enroll in both classes in the next 10 minutes we'll throw in Kate's book "Writing for Dipshits". With a free, YES FREE photo album and pen to write captions and bible verses! (Bible sold separtely!)
All of this can be yours for only 8 souls plus S&H. No home delivery available. All items must be picked up while wearing a mini skirt, hooker heels, battered wife sunglasses, and a big hat at the UPS store! Get 10% off your shipping fees if your bring in a Starbucks cup filled with liquor of your choice!

shoka and nala hate Kate said...

Chicken Claws, Salmonella Poisoning, and Withholding Cupcakes: Feeding Children Can Be Fun!

Torture and Childrearing Are Not Mutually Exclusive: Quick and Easy Tips From a Pro

It's Not Just Latte in My Starbucks Cup

How 9/11 Affected Me, Kate Gosselin

Living in Fear of German Shepherds

Ohio Buckeye said...

Shoka&NalaHateK8 said, "...Living in Fear of German Shepherds"
***************************

HA! The reality was probably closer to "German Shepherds Living in Fear of K8Zilla".

Ungrateful witch said...

Cancer Schmancer, Can We Just Talk About Me?

Love Offerings: Conning Good People Out of Their Hard Earned Money

It's Just Me and Eight Kids and That's Not Fair: You Owe Me

Jesus Inc: Using Christ to Your Advantage

Six Matching Cribs: Beggars CAN Be Choosers!

stopthemadness said...

I Do It All For My Kids; A Martyr's Handbook

Cooking by Speed Dial; Whaddaya Mean Five grapes isn't Dinner


School, Schmool: They are Smart Enough Already
(with its follow up booklet,
Manners, Shmanners)

Marriage By Kate; Keeping the Rock, While Losing the Husband

Robinbeau said...

"Using Christ to Your Advantage" just might be the #1.

Lady Gray said...

"Having a Heart of (fool's) Gold"
"Love-tapping 101"
"The Art of Emotional Scarification"
"Malnutrition and Faux Diabetic Explanations"
"Cashing in on Christianity, Children, and (fabricated) Cheeriness"
"Spa Spotting"
"Poop Photography"

It's all for the kids said...

Ok sounds like fun!

Here goes:

How to make your kids work for you
and other supermom advice
Ask others not what you can do for them but what they can do for YOU

The 11 step program to get rid of *pesky* friends and relatives

1. Steal a boyfriend, baby talk
him into marrying you

2. Trick him into umm..just 1 more

3. Tell the family they don't
know how to help you

4. Shop your little piles of
cash around to highest bidder

5. How to buy a mansion by using
coupons

6. Throw husband under bus when
bodyguard does a better job at
*guarding* your precious body!

7. Get yourself a boob job..hell
you deserve it after what every-
body has put you through!

8. Keep telling everybody who will
listen that it is all for the
kids

9. Dress for success and be frugal
at the same time...Raid the kids
closets and pour youself into
something chic

10. Remember to call paps before
leaving house

11. Keep phone number of boarding
school handy for that very day
the kids no longer know how to
help you.(yanno for when TLC
cancels the show)

Sarah Gold said...

Stop guys, you are going to make me pee my pants LOLOLOLOL

Nell's Mama said...

You all are hilarious! Funny!

Here are a couple more:

"How to Humiliate Your Husband in Front of the World, One Step at a Time."

"How to Fool the Media, Including Babsy Walters, in One Fell Swoop."

is she for real said...

How to humiliate your partner in 2 words or less

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JON

johnsmom said...

Hey, this is FUN!

"The Art of Turd Extraction"

"Smoke & Mirrors", The Gosselins

"Are you there Bodyguard, it's me Kate?......."

"BOGO......My First Pregnancy", by Kate Gosselin.

"The Crates of Wrath, the Shoka and Nala Story"

"Finally Freeing Willy"....(Oh sorry that's Jon's XXX capers!)

"1001 Games to Play in your Stupid Driveway"

"Creative Housekeeping, Hiding the Help"

"Barf and Poo, How to Remove the Stench", brought to you by Bissell

"Sea Hag to Stiletto", Beauty Secrets for Every Single Mom.

True Confessions said...

"How To Look Like a Hooker While Pretending To Be Mother To Eight Children."

Sidney said...

"In Kate's Own Words: I'll Be Darned If They Are Taking Me Down For That!"

kate's an idiot said...

you guys have to be the FUNNIEST SMARTEST bloggers. LOL!!!!!!!!!!

fidosmommy said...

OK, my turn. This IS fun!

Gosselin's Favorite Saturday Morning Show: Where In the World is Mommy Gosselin?

New Game Night Challenge: Finishing before Mommy Shows Up

Gosselin's Upcoming Adventure: The Quest for Organic Pencil Erasers

In Your Face: Recycling Old Diapers

GWoP: Required pre-meeting reading for J&K+8 Production Staff

enoughalready said...

My last one - basically a re-hash.

KG’s Guide To Style
- Plunging necklines – a must for bend overs
- Baby doll dresses sized for 5 yr olds.
- Padded bras, stocking stuffers –anything to ensure tatas enter the room before you do
-Huge dangly earrings, huge sunglasses a must at the beach
-Hooker heels a must everywhere
KG’s Guide to Etiquette and Deportment
-how to sit on grass with loose mini skirt on
-head down always for self examination on tatas
-borrow twin’s underwear for that money shot while lifting up legs while still sitting on grass while wearing hooker heels
-borrow granny’s underwear for that up the crack / butt shot
KG’S Guide To Good Communication Skills
-Turn to Jon and cut him off his speech to chastise him for speaking when she’s speaking.
-Remind a 4 yr old cancer patient –who’s day is it today – its my birthday but I’m not 4
-Make faces, roll eyes whenever possible behind person’s back – be it man, sick child or dog.
KG’s Guide To Good Economics in Human Resources
-Hire and Fire twice a week but keep the manservant/doorman/porter/social escort/BODYGUARD.
KG’s Guide To Discipline
-Jooooonnnnnn you deal with this

i said...

Kate's handy dandy pocket sized tips for keeping those 8 little piles of cash in line.

Deny water

Go ahead, spank them that'll teach them to have fun

Don't bother the dr with such foolishness as a possible sprain, fracture, etc.

Make sure you keep their closets well stocked, you never know when you might need to borrow a top

Make up useless words to teach them, you spent their college fund anyway

Always keep a wooden spoon in the car, you never know when you might have to give them a *cooking* lesson

Always serve rare chicken. Overcooked meat is dry and tasteless

Never buy milk unless it is on sale. Don't want them darned old kids to grow now

Oh I could go on and on and on.....

Sandy said...

LOL, oh my, I am reminded yet again why I love this site so much..very talented, witty and creative posters! Thank you Mods for this thread, I cannot stop laughing!

Tess said...

'How to Butcher the English Language in 10 EasyISH Steps'

Easier2B said...

You all are hilarious! I think my favorite is "Clown Car Uterus" by She's So Dumb. That really cracked me up. Thanks all for several days of humor!

Starz22 said...

Humm..how about..

God helps those,who help themselves
-how to help yourself to some love offerings

8 little pumpkins will go back to the patch if they get rotten

Taking the high road out of dodge while a crew and nannys raise your kids

kate, nurse ratchet said...

how to get the most out of your tax deductions.

how to live a lie and still look in the mirror

lorena bobbitt had the right idea

alienate your way to fame and fortune

how to cackle all the way to the bank

how to birth 8 kids and not be a mother

how to butcher the English language in three easy steps.

learning to live on gum, water and salad. IT'S ORGANIC

how to blow up a family in five seasons or less

how to be an embarrassment to your profession (nursing)

don' teach your kids anything...that is what SCHOOL is for.

Fashion Police said...

Let's not forget:

"Shoved Up Your Cooter, Stuck Up Your Ass: How To Dress For Success"

Killed him off said...

Since Jon is officially off the show its new name is "Kate + Eight"
The new Kate can Kill ALL Show.

theresa said...

My tummy hurts and I can't breathe!! Too funny!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE the Letterman idea!

Here's mine...not as funny:

From the wonders at DreamWorks and Disney....

Felling overwhelmed? understimulated?
Life in Shambles?

Perk up with this Gosselin Epic

"Dirty Feet"

starring Kathy Griffen as Kate Gosselin

Ohio Buckeye said...

KateNurseRatchet said...
******************************

I am still laughing at your post! Thank you!

And as a fellow RN, applause for stating K8 is an embarrassment to the nsg. profession. I agree.

TOOOO Funny said...

Theresa...I howled at your new Disney/Dreamworks movie of Kate "Dirty Feet" Sooo true and so creative. I loved the movie "Happy Feet" with the penguins, but yours is so much more fitting for Kate.

Vanessa said...

-How to perfect the "Joker" smile-it's not just for Halloween
-How to get on that treadmill at 5:00 am for an hour and STILL not lose weight
-How to recylce donations/freebies into CASH, Consignment 101
-How to get your money's worth at the spa -don't wear shoes for a week and watch with glee as the poor girl scrubs and "sloughs" (something k8 would say)the inch of dirt from the bottoms of your feet

kate, nurse ratchet said...

everything i know i learned from leona helmsely

it ain't child abuse if there ain't a bruise

how to use explanation points!!!!!!!!!

how to get away with plagiarism

self entitlement: but only for ME

spoons: other uses besides cooking

downsize your kid's things: they don't need those family keepsakes of members who DIED

kids: don't share them with family--share them with the world instead

lorena bobbitt is my hero

hey, i didn't get those calluses on my knees from cleaning the kitchen floor all day...(lol)



you guys are a RIOT!

h8 k8 with an organic passion said...

"grifter's guide to the galaxy"

"everything you ever wanted to know about freebies... but were afraid to ask"

"he's not that in to you- why you should publicly castrate your husband on a weekly basis!"

"30 second meals for working moms- from the craft service table to the paper plate in a flash!!"

"joy of baking- a guide to fake tans"

"26 acres and a mule- one mother's guide to handling celebrity-dom-hood-ness"

"kate's way: how to make memories and break your family apart- in 5 seasons or less!"

"FAQ 4 DIY PCOS N IUI"

"home for the holidays- the gosselin-ish-ified guide to celebrating the season whenever tlc damn well pleases (or when jon doesn't have custody)"

"my exhausted life in high heels"

"what to expect when you're expecting sextuplets to pimp out for fun and profit (and what to do about the twins you already have)"

Christine said...

"101 Uses for White Plastic Lawnchairs"

"The Complete Sippy Cup Craft Book"

"Bibs To Bucks"

"Trany Tummy Tuck Tantrums & Tricks"