A Real Estate Story - Kate Shows Her Old House to a Potential Buyer

Based on a suggestion in the "old house on the market" posts....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Nicely dressed couple comes to front door of a generically attractive home in the PA suburbs.]

Oh. Hi. I'm, um, well, you know who I am, right? I am supermom, Kate Gosselin. I'm glad you came to see this house, because anyone would, um, be fantabulously lucky to live here. After all, you'd, um, be living in a house that was on TV. On TLC, Mondays at 9 eastern. Year round new episodes, because the show is our, um, life and our life is the show.

Well, um, anyhow, here's the living room. It's too small for my family. We, um, have 8 kids. Yes, EIGHT kids. And I had 6 of them all at one time. Just a tip, if you, um, have a super uterus, you can, um, have kids who are marketable too. It's a great way to live without having an actual job.

And, um, here's the kitchen. It would be perfect for you unless you are, um, famous, and need space to think and cook soup, and make up sandwich recipies. Because, um, if you have a camera crew in here, it's disasterously small feeling. What was that? Oh, the lights? Well, they add amazingly to the, um, you know, value of the house. They are awesome lights if you want to film your kids screaming, eating, hitting each other, and crying while you, um, yell at your husband to move out of your way. But we love each other, and will be together forever.

This is my most fabulousness laundry room. I hate laundry, because getting the, um, stains out of clothes is so very very horrifically horrible. And if there are stains, the value of the, um, free clothing drops drastronomically when you try to sell it for a profit. Whiuch we, um, were occasionally awesome enough to give to help others, like, um cancer kids. Because they have, um, a hard time, and we are givers. I gave them copies of my, um, book too! But no gum. Gum is NOT OKAY. Especially if a free babysitter gives it to your kids and they get a smear on their free, um, clothes, or their treasurific lovey.

Oh, I almost forgot the most awesome thing about the, um, laundry room. It's a great place to park a kid who's vomitous, because the floor is easy to clean. And if the sick kid has a fever, the floor is, um, nice and cold. To keep the sick kid cool.

Um, here's the closet in the, um, master bedroom. I used to send my husband in here to, um, work. Yes, he worked in here. A lot. Very hard work. With email. And, you don't really need to see the rest of this bedroom and bathroom. Because it would be horrendously horrific if my privacy was somehow, um, violated. Even though I have not lived here in months. I had to have somewhere I could hide from my kids...I mean...fans, you know, and when I lived, um, here, in this too small house, this was where I, um, hid. It was awesome.

[Couple starts to fidget. Husband looks at wife and mouths, "What the hell?"]

There are some teeny tiny 24' x 12' bedrooms upstairs. One was the, um, gross and icky boy room. And one belonged to the bestest girl ever, my Hannie. We let, um, Leslie. No, Libby. No, let me um....LEAH, that's it! She, um, wasn't a disturber like that awful Alexis, so Leah shared Hannie's room. Um, what? Where did Alexis the disturber sleep? In the basement, because she, um, totally liked it down there all alone. It was awesome. So if you have a noisy, um, disturber, you can lock her down there to sleep. Which we really, um, only did that one time. Really. And she thought she was, um, a bat.

And yeah, um, there's a bathroom, where we let people film the kids taking baths all the time, until they were able to write out a notorious, notificated, um, OFFICIAL requesting of privacy. We also used to film them going potty, but all the, um, rumors about not emptying the potties promptifiedly are, um, false. Just like everything else about us that we don't, um, say ourselves. Did I mention the awesome new floors throughouted the house?

There's an attic, with a very pink bedroom we had our older girls sleep in. They used to be, um, really cute, but then they got kind of grumpied and sullen. I think they were jealous of how I wrote a book. And another book, and then a cookbook! The loud one has braces now, and they both get teased at school, for some, um, bewilderable reason.

We, um, also have a backyard, with an adorableness filled deck. We got our picture taken on this deck once. For some, um, magazine. It was awesome. Although, there was some whining about being hot. I thought when kids were 4 or so they would be better at having fun living their lives, and not, um, complain so much during their funnest work. Because the show is our lives, you know. Oh, yeah, there's a playset. We never used it much, because the kids stayed cleaner playing on the front driveway. And they didn't want to run around in the grass anyhow. I raised them to, um, avoid getting dirty. Because being clean is awesome. And adds value to all their old clothes.

So, that's it. A way too small house for ME, but I bet you would love it, especiaticularly since you are a giganormous fan of my show, Jon and Kate plus 8. Um, any questions? Great, so, um, when can you have the check for me? After all, we live hand to mouth, and, um, clip lots of coupons. The little girls do it for me. Because boys are yucky, and, um, the big girls suddenly don't like to pretend to be money savering.

[Couple looking at house were glazed over with boredom, now looking panicked.]

Hello? HELLO! I am standing here with my, um, hand out, can you not see me? Where is my full asking price check? We will let you have the old coffee cup, the hair clips, and the randomnestic notes and papers if you can pay us today. If you ask me nicely, I might even toss in a picture of myself and my kids and husband for free. That's, um, a $20 value, you know!

[Couple sprints back to their car, and screeches away.]

I am calling the realtoress. She needs to find better sheeple to look at this house. I am exhausted. Exhausted!

Jon? I need coffee and a nap, right NOW!

Submitted by chick.

54 comments:

michele said...

wow just wow - so many seasons/years in a 'nutshell'

FXfanatic said...

Wonderful!
I laughed enough for my kid to say, "what's so funny.".

Loved the vocab!

My favorite line is "The loud one has braces now, and they both get teased at school, for some, um, bewilderable reason."

AnneMarie said...

Perfect, albeit missing a good "whatever" hand wave :)

Virginia said...

I could picture it just as I read this, Kate in her PA version of valley girl speak. The panic the two poor buyers must've felt in Kate's nervous custody. The Kon vocabulary that is truly horrendously horrendous. This was great. Thank you. I was picturing that annoying little hand fluttering all over the place.

Jennifer said...

Awesome!!

Gloria said...

I.love.this. You nailed Kate perfectly. Can you imagine? Great job, Chick.

RuthinVA said...

I am calling the realtoress.

___________________

I don't know how you came up with realtoress but is sounds just like Kate! Very good job, but don't you feel sorry for the real realtor. I bet she has no idea what's ahead of her. Kate calling everyday asking if she has an offer yet......God can you imagine . Maybe she is enough like Kate to suffer through it, I bet if real estate wasn't so slow she would have thought twice about taking Kate and Jon on.

Its A Good Thing said...

HA! I love it. That is definitely how it would go. I could picture it as an up coming episode, because after all they just don't have the money to pay a relator commission and such. @@

Great Job Chick! So funny, and yet soooo true.

Its A Good Thing said...

RuthinVA: If I were her relator my biggest fear would be having to talk Kate into lowering the price when she doesn't get her outrageously high asking price. Or even worse bringing an offer to her that is actually a fair price for the house.

lisak said...

Love it! I bet that is exactly how it would go with Kon showing the house. LMAO!

RuthinVA said...

Its A Good Thing said...
RuthinVA: If I were her relator my biggest fear would be having to talk Kate into lowering the price when she doesn't get her outrageously high asking price. Or even worse bringing an offer to her that is actually a fair price for the house.

------------------

One thing is for sure, if it doesn't sell it will have nothing to do with Kate's price. It will be the realtor didn't know how to help Kate 'cause Kate does no wrong. A lot of people can have a little knowledge and march on through life and learn as they go. But with Kate a little bit of knowledge is a terrible thing because she thinks she knows it all already, and moreover enjoys telling you how much she knows and it is then that you realize how stupid she really is. It is mind boggling to watch her make an ass out of herself over and over again. As long as that money is coming in I guess she doesn't care how she is perceived.

Tangerine Tanya said...

Very very witty and funny!

Good job.

Its A Good Thing said...

RuthinVA said...
Its A Good Thing said...
RuthinVA: If I were her relator my biggest fear would be having to talk Kate into lowering the price when she doesn't get her outrageously high asking price. Or even worse bringing an offer to her that is actually a fair price for the house.

------------------

One thing is for sure, if it doesn't sell it will have nothing to do with Kate's price. It will be the realtor didn't know how to help Kate 'cause Kate does no wrong. A lot of people can have a little knowledge and march on through life and learn as they go. But with Kate a little bit of knowledge is a terrible thing because she thinks she knows it all already, and moreover enjoys telling you how much she knows and it is then that you realize how stupid she really is. It is mind boggling to watch her make an ass out of herself over and over again. As long as that money is coming in I guess she doesn't care how she is perceived.

----

Thats true, how dare I forget nothing is Kate's fault? lol, Actually I think she has said that she doesn't care what people think about her because she is doing the show for her kids. Which in its self is a joke, she is doing the show because SHE likes the freebies and the money.

Aldergator said...

I used to send my husband in here to, um, work. Yes, he worked in here.
___________________________________

That kills me. I am picturing those 2 fools on their computers sending emails to one another as Kate peers at Jon through the mirror that she installed on the door so that she could spy on him. Life is rough when you have to sit in your closet to check your email instead of in the basement or in the den off the kitchen.

Lizardannie1966 said...

Ha! That's so funny! I hope that house and it's ridiculous price sits on the market for 5 years.

cheryl said...

Looks like the house may sit for awhile. E'town appears to have a glut of homes for sale. For that price, I'd need a pool, couple fireplaces, formal dining room and
professional landscaping.
Not much eh??

Haley said...

TRUE and love it,but i mean......a little harsh to her,but if you have some pitures like a comic strip that would be so LOLin'

Haley

Nadia said...

ROTFL~ You have her number!

WENDY said...

OMG! Too funny! Thanks.

Bicoastal said...

"Realtoress" It's perfection.

Much like how TLC has decided to project their "star." Make her look like a horse's behind.

I doubt TLC has figured out to market Jon the Dope. Besides, he's "picked-on," "hen-pecked," "emasculated."

Or is he just a nothing deemed for nothingness?

Do tell, TLC.

Kat said...

LOL thank you so much for this, my husband kept looking at me like I was nuts for laughing as hard as I was. You really nailed Kate.

DasMaedchen said...

LOL this was wonderously wonderful!

CeeCee88 said...

Has anyone heard any reports from people who have went to see the house? I would love to know what they think

TPoV said...

AMAZING JOB!! WOW!!! Kate would actually say that!

Carol said...

News flash for Her Royal Highness Kate the Child Pimper: Your Palais de KON will be sitting on the market for a long, long, long time. Kate has NO concept of reality at ALL. $350K for that??? In today's market??? I think not. KON left the place like trailer trash. The mere thought of all that pee and poop sloshing in those full to the brim potties makes me sick. If KON is banking on that $350K to put towards the mortgage of their new locked down KONpound, they better not hold their breaths.
On another note, this post was quite entertaining. Loved the "realtoress" and "bewilderable" - captures "Kate-speak" perfectly. LOL

Travis Noodle said...

Nice Job Chick!

kate is a cocky bitch said...

I wonder if The Queen will try to sell her used potties that she couldn't unload at their garbage sale with the sale of the house

honeyhush said...

Kate is the definition of trailer trash. It's disgusting to leave a house in that condition and hope to sell it, especially for $70K more than you paid for it 3 years ago! She cares about no one but herself, she doesn't even care about her children.

Ravello said...

Chick, you write very well, you nailed Queen Kate! Just brilliant.
Please continue to contribute to this blog, you made my day.
The story is sad but very true.

I would love to be a mouse in the corner when QFI and JonBoy read this.
Word!

timetogokon said...

drastronomically - laughed out loud on that one.

Nice, um, job!!

SP said...

damn I couldnt even got through the first paragraph there were so many "um's" it was impossible to read!

nancy019 said...

That was so funny, thanks for the laugh.

I think they will need to get an exorcist in there in order to sell the house...cast out the evil KON demons...They thought the Amityville Horror house was haunted

cheryl said...

That realtor will be going bonkers trying to please the g's. Seeing the comps = man, they are far out!!

MsPeabody said...

Aldergator said...
I used to send my husband in here to, um, work. Yes, he worked in here.
___________________________________

That kills me. I am picturing those 2 fools on their computers sending emails to one another as Kate peers at Jon through the mirror that she installed on the door so that she could spy on him. Life is rough when you have to sit in your closet to check your email instead of in the basement or in the den off the kitchen

Yeah, I never did get why Jon made his office in the bedroom closet and seemed to be so proud of letting us all know about it..NUTS!! And the sheeple can't understand why people have so many comments..duh? Maybe has to do with how these two behave, gee, I don't know..Sad

Elizabeth said...

Hilarous!!!

grandee4 said...

Great job!
Jon was in the closet because they wanted to show that the house was much to small for them. Everything they do has a motive.
About the pottys, I purchased a house in 2000 from the family of an elderly gentleman. The man used to pee in the corner behind the front door. There was carpet down.
When we pulled up the carpet, there were beautiful, hardwood floor. We sanded it down, and it spots we had to really sand more then others. When the house was renovated and we moved in, I kept smelling urine. We did not change out the molding. So, we pulled all the molding and replaced it.
In 2005, Hurrican e Katrina flooded it and I never went back.
Every once in a while, while living there, I could still smell pee at times. So, if those pottys really did flow over, they are going to have a time selling that house. Kate is sooooo gross!

Midwest Mom said...

And then Kate said to the prospective buyers:

"And be careful when walking on my throw rugs. I don't want them frumpily because my icky boys will frumpily the rugs in an attempt to make me mad ! "

Molly said...

Normally I am not a fan of Kate, per the show and the publicity...but check this out...it is a whole different Kate...a humbled one for sure...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DK_z67D0KoQ

Sharon said...

Midwest Mom,
Good one

Charlie Rose said...

Molly, she was speaking to the 700 club, she was ACTING plain and simple... She was throwing God's name around because it was expected. You don't see her doing that on HER show, do you?

shihtzu lover said...

OMG......I thought I was watching an espisode. I think you should review each weekly show for all of us here! Tooooooo funny!

aldergator said...

Original Aldergator here. Aldergator poster is not me. Try a different name, this one is taken.

aldergator said...

Original Aldergator here, Please use another name to post as that one is already taken.
-Aldergator 1 and only

Arieslikekate said...

hasn't TLC done the right thing yet and turned that house into the museum it so rightly deserves to be?

LPBWiscool said...

Ha! I love it when she says. "its all mine for as far as I can see"

Did Pennsylvania get a new Queen?

I didn't know Pennsylvania had a monarcy.

Joey17 said...

This is hilarious! I had a fun time reading it. It is soooo Kate Gosselin!!
Ummm, awesome!!

mrich said...

So funny I loved it.

mrich said...

How does everyone know the price of thier curent home?

Maggie said...

mrich, A couple of posts down you will find information about the old house.

Pamela Jaye said...

too funny!

I waited till midnight to catch The New House and then my DVR decide to just not record it - which I didn't notice for 15 minutes so now I have to wait till the 31st!

that new house is just way too huge. they are going to need intercoms just to find who needs to "have their hiney wiped!"

suem said...

Too funny. I especially loved your use of made up words. It always annoyed me when Kate did that. I remember one episode early on when she claimed that her speaking ability was her best asset. Are you kidding Kate? I used to feel sorry for Jon but have come to realize that he is a whimpy non-motivated excuse for a man. I do however feel very sorry for the adorable kids.

SkippyMom said...

"beweirdable" made me snarf coffee at my screen....

TOO FREAKIN' FUNNY!

..."holding my hand out. Where is my new monitor?" LOL

Tyra said...

Awesome!

Fay said...

Chick you are to funny,this was hilarious,still laughing Great Job.