Giving Back Recap

Our right jolly old elves, Jon and Kate, hitch up their eight tiny meal tickets and fly down to Memphis to spread holiday cheer and Kmart toys to the children of St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I love St. Jude’s and I’m not going to rip on them. However, I will note that it is wrong to give the impression that the Gosselins paid for any of the gifts or items that they delivered, when they clearly did not. I'm not even going to touch J&K's inability to do basic math. It was nice to see Bev, though.



Twas the night before some random November day when all through the $1.3 million-dollar house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Jon’s spouse.
The stockings were hung by the suitcases with care,
In hopes that free toys from Kmart soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of organic catered sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And Kate in her wonky asymmetrical kerchief, and Jon in his free Phillies cap
Had just settled their under achieving brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the professionally manicured lawn there arose such a clatter,
Jon sprang from his basement bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the production crew’s poorly-installed sash.

The moon on the ill-supported breast of the trespassing new snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my freshly-lasered eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight Asian-featured reindeer.

With a despotic driver so exhausted and hick,
I knew it a moment it must be Kate’s schtick.
More rapid than beagles her coursers they came,
As she complained and shouted and called them by name!

Now, Mady! Now, Cara! Now, Leah and Collin!
On, Hannah! On, Joelly! On, Alexis and Aaden!
To the end of the driveway, to the top of the mall!
Now, cash away! Cash away! Cash away, all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky.
So on down to Memphis, the coursers they flew
With a sleigh full of toys and Kate’s enormous sense of entitlement, too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the hotel roof,
The hitting and whining of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down to the hospital lobby they came with a bound.

She was dressed all in free clothes from her head to her foot,
And her soul was all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys she had Jon throw on his back,
She looked like a peddler with an Ann Taylor Loft sack.

Her tummy, how flat! His hair plugs, so scary!
Her teeth were all glowy. He wondered, What did I marry?
His droll little mouth was tied shut with a bow.
Will the children forgive him? He just doesn’t know.

What remained of Jon’s manhood, she held tight in her teeth.
She needed a pedicure and it showed on her feet!
With her white plastic chair and a surgically taut belly,
She published her recipe for crackers with organic jelly.

He was chubby and plump before getting a trainer for himself,
And Kate handed out books from Zondervan’s shelf.
A wink from his eye and a twist of her head
Soon let us all know of the lies we’ve been fed.

She made up some words, then put the children to work.
She filled all their sippy cups then called Jon a jerk
Before giving her husband a punch in the nose,
She belittled her children, that’s just how it goes.


"It must be done my way," to Aunt Jodi, Kate bristled.
And away they all flew like a Hawaii-bound missile.
And I heard them proclaim as they drove out of sight,
Our life is our show and our show is our life!

Submitted by ThreeFarmers