Missing Persons!

"We have enough people in our family now for a whole wedding party."

Indeed the Gosselin family may have to play host to it’s own wedding -- and be its guests as well. Time after time, we’ve seen folks join the show as “helpers,” only to be discarded after a few months. Even in not-for-profit industries, the average lifespan of a volunteer is 18 months! Yet, the best the Gosselins seem to be able to come up with are some island folks who haven’t had the misfortune to incur the Wrath of Mommy Dearest.

Below is a body count of folks who have accidently given Kate a wire hanger!

Kate's Parents (Charlene and Kenton Kreider)
Location: PA
Missing Since: Before the show started
Status: Banned due to an outpouring of mismatched clothing and second hand furniture; inability to "know how to help."

Uncle Kevin (Kate's brother)
Location: PA
Missing since: Emptying potties and taking care of 12 (TWELVE) sick children!
Status: Banned because the sick children weren’t placed on the laundry room floor

Aunt Jodi
Location: PA
Missing since: Hairplugs episode
Status: Skidded on the outs during Gumgate

Ashtyn, Braeden, Alyssa and Baby Benny (Kevin and Jodi’s kids)
Location: PA
Missing since: Hairplugs episode
Status: Casualty of Gumgate

Clairissa (Kate's sister), Robert and Reagan
Location: PA
Missing since: Clarissa seemingly out of contact. G’kids don’t seem to have contact with C’ son. Forced to choose between Gosselins or parents
Status: Waiting for God to give a sign

Jeff and Kendra (Kate's sister), Dale and Christen (Kate's sister), Mark and Tom (Jon's brothers), Pamela and Albert (Jon's mother and stepfather)
Location: Unknown
Missing since: Unknown
Status: Unknown

Kate’s brother-in-law (Jeff)
Location: Unknown
Missing since: Painting the Pepto Bismol bedroom
Status: Last seen stepping into a Hazmat shower. Never came back out.

Bob, Beth (BFF), Kayla, Brittany, Bryce, Taliah Carson
Location: PA
Missing since: 2007 after Bob gave Jon a “job” and Beth wrote the book
Status: Banned after Utah trip and after the book went to press

Carla & kids
Location: Unknown
Missing since: Carla seen on rare occasions -- perhaps she’s kept busy with a can of bathroom cleaner at night. Or perhaps she’s picking up stray bits of rose bushes that have been chopped haphazardly by huge garden shears. Children missing since twin’s bedroom episode
Status: On hiatus

Susan (baby sitter)
Location: Unknown
Missing since: Jon’s 30th birthday trip to FL Keys
Status: Mentioned rarely

Nana Janet (baby sitter)
Location: Unknown
Missing since: Oprah trip
Status: Last seen folding

Nana Joan (baby sitter)
Location: Unknown
Missing since: July 4th Parade
Status: Suspected of hijacking Kate’s hotdog and is on the lam!

Helper Beverly (ironer)
Location: Unknown
Missing since: Laundry day became Jon and Kate, the kids and the crew
Status: Stuck in the spin cycle

Old Church
Location: PA
Missing since: Quality donations/helpers declined
Status: Abandoned

Church Speaking Engagements
Location: Nationwide
Missing since: More money requested
Status: Thrown a bone now and then

(Note: Tito has been removed, due to misunderstandings. There is a joke that apparently not everyone has read, that was posted and went back to Tito Jackson and other "missing" TV characters. It in no way was this intended to relate at all to the seventh egg sac/fetus that failed to develop. No such meaning would ever be intended here and we are sorry that anyone was offended.)