Recap: Prep for Hawaii

Submitted by Dew

On this episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8! Shockingly, they're going on another free trip to Hawaii. Hawaii?! Dang! Looks like some major damage control between Kate and Joel, and Kate gets a free drop-dead gorgeous wedding dress.

While I'm watching the credits, how is everyone's 401(k)'s doing? Because mine- not so hot. But Suzy Orman insists I should stay the course… I'm trying, Suzy, but it's hard. Now is certainly not the time for most of us to be making any major purchases I would think, especially not our dream houses.

Despite quite obviously having a personal stylist now, Kate's hair is truly horrendous. Oh, it's gone way past reverse mullet or a hyena's butt, as others have described it so well. It's reverse mullet, hyena's butt, and Venus fly trap meet my puppy's dog bed when I haven't washed it in three weeks. It's really embarrassing to look at, but that's okay because I don't enjoy looking at this woman anyway.

It's one week before their big trip to Hawaii, and Kate and Jon gather the kids together to watch home movies of their wedding.Kate says they wanted to go to Hawaii for their first wedding (with what money?), but then she blames her family members for not wanting to fork over the dough to actually fly out there for it. Wow, that is really God awful of those people, not wanting to spend three or four or five grand to haul their Pennsylvanian butts to Hawaii for Jon and his special new wife Kate. Don't they like warm weather? I would estrange them too. So because nobody could, or maybe didn't want to, go all the way out to Hawaii, they settled for having an absolutely gorgeous positively romantic storybook wedding at some castle/mansion looking place. Poor them.

Personally, I hope I would be a little embarrassed to even ask my family to make a sacrifice like that for my wedding. Weddings already put such a financial burden on your family in the first place, between the gifts and buying a new dress/suit for it and possibly even helping to pay for it as Jon's family verifiably did, I hope I would hold my tongue and not ask for something that outrageous. Also my boyfriend mentioned cost of chipping in for a stripper, too, plus tip. Not that he would EVER have that at his bachelor party, baby. So yeah, weddings are expensive for your family even on a small scale.

The wedding video shows a picture of Jon when he was maybe about eight. Aww, he's adorable! He looks just like Mady, only with a Moe Howard bowl cut. I would really love to see Moe poke Kate in the eyes--boing! I digress....The expression on eight-year-old Jon's face is so innocent. Little boy has no idea what he is destined for, castration by shrew. Kate says they were "thinking" and "dreaming" of going to Hawaii for a long time. They most likely also did a lot of massive hinting, to anyone and everyone who remotely had any connections to Hawaii, and finally some unsuspecting hotel caught on and offered them a free getaway. Kate says the trip just "appeared." Well, give me a magic wand and call me a fairy. What a stupid thing to say, a thousand-dollar free trip just appeared, and way to discount how hard everyone worked to put it together for all of them. It appeared, or was pieced together meticulously and given to them, handed to them on a silver platter, because she has splashed her eight wonderful children who deserve better than this all over our television sets for going on four years now and pretty much most likely set them up for a lifetime of issues. So yes in that sense, the trip did appear. But hey, at least they're getting to go to Hawaii!

Two minutes in and I'm already super annoyed.

Like cherry on a sundae of poo, Kate also says, "You don't have to ask us twice!" Why do I feel like she's saying that with the intent to annoy people who can't stand her? I have to admit it's working. I could write a dissertation on why she needs to say no to most of this stuff, but everyone else has already covered it so extensively on this blog and I couldn't add much more to it, so I won't bore you.Anyway, at least Hawaii should be mildly interesting. I don't really know much about that state. Most of what I know is from watching Dog the Bounty Hunter. He has cute little kids too, but we rarely if ever see them on camera. Dog makes Hawaii kind of seem like all it is a bunch of Samoan meth heads and their co-signer mothers who lie about their whereabouts, but I'm sure it's actually a very lovely place. I guess I'd like to go, but like most Americans I really can't afford something like that in this kind of economy. Maybe someday...

Jon's shirt says "No worry, beef curry." At first I thought it said No worry, be Kate. Which didn't make sense to me at all. Why would anyone want to be Kate? And you should be really worried if you do. I had to Google that phrase since I've never heard it, and apparently it's sort of something they say in Hawaii for some reason. Pidgin speak for no worries. Maybe a tour guide will explain it further, but I'm guessing Kate will complain about how boring the tour is and tune out before he gets to that point. I'm glad I figured this out right away, because I spent half a year wondering why Dog the Bounty Hunter was calling all his clients a brassiere until I found out that "bra" means "brother" in Hawaii speak. I don't think I'm really that well-suited for the Aloha state, but it would still be nice to visit.

Kate explains to the kids that she and Jon are going to get married again. If Kate can correct Jon, I'm going to correct Kate. Getting remarried means you're marrying someone else. Renewing your vows means you're marrying the same person again. Since I can't imagine anyone else who would marry into this madness, her only choice here is to renew her vows. But she keeps getting it wrong, over and over. I want Jon to correct her so bad, but he's never been like that. Guys usually aren't.Kate keeps making little digs at her first wedding and how she wasn't happy with it. It's super obvious, and super bitchy, too. She kind of makes it sound like the person with the purse strings, which obviously wasn't her, put their foot down on a few things, such as going to Hawaii, and Kate got all offended. How incredibly childish. If you don't like how the wedding is going at the mansion, you're welcome to throw your own wedding down at the Fire Hall on 5th and Main on your own dime. See how your photos look over there with the harsh fluorescent lighting and the coffee makers and folding tables in the background and the Mr. Mix-a-Cheapo D.J. running the thing (and who has only remotely good songs in his repertoire, such as "I Will Survive" and "Best for Last." )

Kate says they can't wait to have their own wedding with just them present and no one telling them what to do. Yee-ouch! Where is Moe? Poke this bitch. Kate assures the kids a wedding means she and Daddy are going to stay together forever. Jon kind of says nothing.Kate explains that they didn't want to do the whole six hour time change in one setting. Instead they'll break it up in San Diego so they can do three and three. I actually think that will just make it harder, because instead of just getting it over with at once, sleeping it off and be done with it, they'll have to go through it twice. The reality is I think the producers just wanted to scrounge up some things for them to do on the way to really drag this all out. Incidentally, I'm disappointed we're not in Hawaii yet. At this rate I don't think we're even going to make it to the airport before the episode is over. So now we have an entire episode just talking about going there, like so many episodes that have come before it and that I've even recapped before. So boring and so arrogant, too.

Kate says once again she wants to show the kids that she and Jon are always going to be together. Jon once again says nothing. Heh.Kate smothers Joel with kisses and tells him he's going to be a great husband. I think he will be, too, despite his mother and his dysfunctional childhood. And if he moves to certain states he can even marry another man since Jon and Kate seemed convinced he swings that way. Joel loves this affection; he is beaming and hugs Kate back so tightly. He needs so much more of this kind of thing to even begin to make up for all the rejection he's been through.Kate goes into a long explanation about how they wrote their own vows for their first wedding and are going to do it for the renewal too. In Jon's vows he says he promises to stand by Kate's side as they face "new and challenging experiences," such as day long photo shoots and filming schedules, freebies, tummy tucks, hair plugs, and selling their children's photographs to strangers for 20 bucks apiece. Kate remarks how prophetic it all was. Jon describes it as "scary." Yeah, uh, I'm gonna go with scary.

Most of the kids want to sit with Jon on the airplane, big surprise. But probably because Kate has thrown Joel a bone by giving him a few kisses earlier, he pushes all his chips in and tells Mommy he wants to sit next to her on the plane. Kate showers him with more hugs and makes a big show of it for the cameras. I'm trying not to label every nice thing she does as damage control, but this so obviously is. Especially when she goes on to explain how much they love Joel and fight over him. Since when? Kate claims they covet him. Covet? Hey, Cleopatra, I thought you're supposed to covet things like you're neighbor's wife, not your son. Weird. Anyway, she explains that it's not that she loves Joel for who he is and the special and unique and adorable personality he has, but that thou shalt love him because he's quiet on airplanes and just sits there like a zombie. Joel has apparently learned it's better just to lay low and not bug Kate with anything. That was my strategy at one of my old jobs with my crazy possibly schizoid boss, and it worked quite nicely to survive until I could quit. Unfortunately Joel can't quit Kate, but he's a good little traveler in any case I guess.

For good measure, Kate also makes it clear she hates sitting with Alexis. Oh geez, she is your child. Someone has to sit with her, and it's gonna be either you or Jon. I find out later that the nanny is coming along, so never mind, they can just pass Alexis off on her. Psyche! Coming up, Say Yes to the Dress! Say No to the Shrew! The show recaps Kate's brief stint on the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress. And I'd like to point out that show crossovers are one of my top four reasons why I think shows usually jump the shark, or stop being good anymore. The others are same role different actor, getting married, and having a baby. Well, they're getting married in this episode, so two out of three. And they've mentioned they want to adopt a baby, so I say that counts. All they need to do is replace Joel with Dakota Fanning's little brother and they're officially sunk. This whole boring thing has already been recapped before on the blog, so I refer you over there if you want to relive it. The mini-recap is Kate gets a brand new thousand dollar dress, and is super ungrateful.

Up next, Kate tortures Mady-and not just by being Kate!

We're back. It's the day before the trip. This has all gotten so boring both Jon and Kate sound like they already took their Dramamine for the long flight. Yawn, Jon tells the kids to clean their room, Kate brushes the girls' hair. Hannie can't even reach her long mane to brush it all, so it ends up just getting half brushed. They think this is cute and funny. I think it is ridiculous and not cute at all. I hope she gets lice and has to get a buzz cut. Okay, okay, I don't really wish harm on the child, but I do wish someone would cut her hair.Kate is giving all the little girls pedicures. Kate tells Mady they have to get up at five in the morning tomorrow. "Waa!" Mady replies. It sucks, but somebody's got to get up early or there would be no one to go on nice trips ever again! Waa! Kate has all the supplies for pedicures because they always give "you" a bag of pedicure stuff when you leave. They…do? Not at any place I've been to. Maybe a free foot cream sample but an actual full on do-it-yourself pedicure kit? I have a feeling that was another freebie, and Kate is either pretending it wasn't or just really stupid and out of touch.Kate is filing and buffing Mady's cute little toes like she's reaping wheat. I hope we see some sheaves stacked up by the time she's done to show for it. Mady says ouch, and Kate snaps that she's never heard anyone whine and complain like this. She cannot resist yet another dig at her family.

She says if her mom had taken the time to give her a pedicure at this age she would have sat for four hours, implying once again her mom didn't do anything for her. Maybe she didn't, who knows, although one really has to wonder when not just Kate's mom has disappeared, but so has her dad, most of Jon's extended family, Beth, Beth's kids, Nana Janet, Carla, Carla's daughter, Jodi, Jodi's kids, Uncle Kevin, the rest of Kate's siblings, and I'm sure I'm missing several but you get the idea. Kate has so many relationship issues I think she's going to explode, and she's passing them right on down to her children. Nice.I'm just going to add that when you hear one person's side of the story about an estrangement, as we have Kate's, but you haven't heard a word from the other side, her mother, I think you have to at minimum err on the side of giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Until I hear her mother's side, and she's certainly under no obligation to speak out, Kate's not going to ever get me to assume this was all her mother's fault and not Kate's, too.

Moving on.

They packed seven suitcases, two wardrobe bags, and several carry ons. I feel like I've seen this episode before. Oh yeah, it was called Plane Ride to Utah. I'm going to skip it since it's just the same old boring blah blah. You can watch it yourself if you really want to watch this drivel. The only thing that's interesting is her wedding dress was shipped directly from New York. Wow. We see that Kate is still undermining Jon just like the good ole days. He's telling one of the little girls to get in the house. Kate warns him to "be patient with them." Is Kate for real here? She thinks so.

Coming up, Alexis is super cute. She's like a little Asian leprechaun. She will even lead her parents to a pot of gold!

Jon got up at 4 a.m. on the day of the trip. Alexis is wide awake and cheerful and ready to go and totally adorable. "It's me!!!" she says, pointing to her chest. Aw, yes it is, Lexi!Aaden scurries over to the garbage can with what honestly looks like a pair of underwear and throws it in the garbage. That's weird. Did he have a little accident? Poor little guy. Kate is absolutely nowhere to be found, I am sure she is sleeping in until the last minute, and Jon is too busy getting ready to go, so there's really no one to help him.They're all stepping into their cute little crocs. I actually like crocs, I don't think they're ugly at all like some people do, but I've heard they can actually be really dangerous like getting stuck in escalators and stuff. Eek.Does TLC think we don't watch these episodes?

This is getting hysterical. Not three or four episodes ago Kate explained that the reason everyone who loved them, or rather the kids, the most, like Beth and Jodi, were no longer in their lives was because they didn't really need helpers anymore and wanted to kind of do things themselves now. If Beth and Jodi are reading this, I wish you were still in the kids' lives. They need you.Anyway! Kate conveniently changes her tune so she can bring her nanny along and dump Alexis on her when she gets difficult. "We can't still travel without at least one helper," Kate explains in weird syntax. Jon, correct her! He won't though.

Once again a casual observer might think a free trip to Hawaii would be any nanny's dream, but I can assure you this will be all work and no sunbathing for poor Jenny, and I feel very sorry for her. Good luck with that one. Here's hoping she at least gets her own bed, but I'm not counting on it.Jon said they just need to brush their teeth, put shoes on and "brush the little girls' hair." "DO the little girls' hair," Kate corrects. Utterly unnecessary, and that Kate, is why Joel McHale over at Talk Soup predicts this show will soon be renamed, "Jon Minus Nine!" It's a really good thing you no longer need your spouse to consent to divorce, because if you did, Jon would never get one. Ever. The truth of the matter is Jenny is actually doing the little girls' hair, so Kate didn't even have to do that.

Are we supposed to feel like it's all very hectic and busy? Because I sure don't. Not feeling the drama at all. The bus comes to pick them up at five, and still no sign of Kate. On the couch, she can't even take talking about the bus coming so early, and is yawning. I really think Jon carried her to the bus, tucked her in, and handed Kate her coffee. Joel apparently took some time over this week to really ponder his decision to sit with Kate on the plane, and wisely realized he blurted that out under the influence of his mother cuddling and kissing him and was not thinking clearly. Never make important decisions like that under those circumstances. He has since remembered she's not actually normally that kind and cool around him, and has changed his tune. He now tells Jon he wants to sit with him. Jon, to his credit, tells Joel no he's a traitor and he needs to sit with Mommy. I think Jon actually doesn't want to hurt Kate's feelings here. Because as much as she laughs it off, it must hurt Kate just a little bit that the children never want to sit with her and almost always prefer Jon. Not saying she doesn't bring it on herself, but still, that must hurt. Kate doesn't just accept this though, she has to go accuse Jon of being mean to him, and now Jon is totally justified in calling Kate out. He TRIED to be nice to her and brush this aside and not hurt her feelings. She wouldn't let him. He tells her straight up she butters Joel up and might as well have a bag of Hershey kisses with her. He's doing that thing where he's half joking, half serious. I love it.

A small part of me still feels sorry for Kate that her own children aren't that crazy about her. I think deep down a lot of her behavior is overcompensating for all these shortcomings. That's not even the half of it, I think it's a whole HOST of things, but this is just one side issue contributing to her behavior, I think. Jon talks about using the camping lanterns they recently bought, or rather bought with TLC's credit card, to load the bus in the dark. We spend a ridiculous amount of time talking about this. Mady and Cara are grumps, (How dare they! It's only five a.m.), and everyone piles into the bus.

Next up, a side trip to San Diego, America's most economical vacation spot where you really can't beat the gas prices.

Prep for Hawaii- Oct 27

Jon and Kate and all eight kids are off to see the beauty of Hawaii- a perk of the "family job". Kate stresses during the packing process and she takes advantage of even more publicity by choosing a ridiculous dress for her renewal of vows ceremony.