Episode Recap: 9/29 Viewer FAQ

Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Such a nice thought, however, this is the Gosselin house and I'm afraid that statement just isn't going to work.

Truthiness is, according to Steven Colbert, fact that we know not from books, research, or history, but statements we know to be true because of how we feel. That gut instinct that allows us to proceed blindly through the process of life without worry, conscience, or thought.

It's FAQ night on the Gosselin couch. Thankfully, Jon reminds us all that FAQ stands for "frequently asked questions" so that the folks will understand.

Kate is asked how she provides all those meals. Kate's truthiness is she spends her time making a meal, serving a meal, cleaning up after the meal, then cleaning up everything else.

The truth is that Kate makes her way to the Craft Services table, serves the Craft Services food to the family, has the family helper clean up after everyone, then has the helper clean up everything else. Unless it's personal chef night, then the chef does all that. An astute viewer asks: Why don't the children play in the backyard? Kate digs into her Ann Taylor Loft bag of truthiness and explains how the children love their bikes and other rolly toys and since the driveway is large and flat, it's more fun for the children to play there.

Later in the episode, Mady is thoughtful enough to truthfully tell us that Kate sits in the chair in the garage and barks orders at Jon like she is a queen bee. Thanks, Mady. When the children are playing in the driveway, it allows Kate to take notice of those rude, obnoxious neighbors who insist on waving, smiling, or speaking to the Gosselins.

Why do the children wear shoes in hotel rooms? Well, the truthiness of the matter is that hotel floors are icky. They are ickier even than standing barefooted on the petroleum-product-and-urine-covered pavement of a gas station. Why, you ask? Because it rains at gas stations. Even under those giant car port-like pavilion things, the pavement manages to get cleaner than hotel carpet after housekeeping. Besides, rain is just more natural.

Common sense tells us that if "natural" is what Kate wants, anything that falls or drips from the human body is more "natural" than the oil/gasoline/window washer fluid the rain fails to wash away, particularly from under those giant car port-like pavilions, at the gas station. That, however, is beside the point. I'm betting that way more loogies get hauked in the parking lot of that gas station than on the carpet of any given hotel room. I'd be more worried about the last time the bedspread was washed. Besides, I don't think the Gosselins are Motel 6ing it these days.

The truthiness of why we see the children hit each other so often, particularly on the head, lies in the fact that they are all the same age and at the same developmental age so sibling rivalry is magnified by the sheer number of children.

Any Kindergarten or Pre-school teacher will tell you that they have classes of well over 6 or 8 students in which all the children are the same age and hitting is not allowed. If the children are monitored closely and receive appropriate consequences each time they strike another child, the unwanted behavior will stop. Even with both parents at home and helpers available, this doesn't happen in the Gosselin house, so the hitting continues. It might also help if Kate would stop hitting Jon.

Inquiring emailers want to know when J&K knew Aaden needed glasses and if he has a strong prescription. The truthiness version tells us that Aaden's eyesight is likely due to receiving oxygen as a result of being born premature and standing too close to the televison. There was plenty of discussion of whether the child is near sighted or far sighted. Neither J nor K knew for sure.

Honestly, the whole bit about the oxygen and premies is probably the truth. However, if Aaden's eyesight is damaged from standing too close to the television then I have to believe that when he crosses his eyes they will stick that way. And, as he and most other boys mature, he will eventually be walking around with hairy palms. The truth is that the boy is probably near sighted, meaning he can't see things at a distance, which is why he needs to stand near the television. It also means he probably needs a new prescription. I won't even go into the hours the child spends standing under the studio lights that have been installed in his home.

This also brings to mind the time when J&K went to court to keep their Government-provided nurse an extra year, despite the fact that the children were healthy. Didn't Kate argue that Aaden's eyesight was a disability? Now J&K are saying that his prescription is very mild. Whatever.

Jon cuts off Kate and for a brief second (*snicker*) and we're hopeful that we won't have to listen to her, but she cuts him off right back (because that's only fair) and chatters on. YAWN

If you were wondering how the Gosselins find so many fun activities for the children and how they keep them interested, you're about to find out. I was nodding off here, but Kate spews some truthiness about looking for places to go that can accommodate 8 kids and appeal to both the twins and the tups. They are all about providing their children with experiences.

I'll keep the truth short. They go places that are FREE. The experience of paying for things is apparently not of much importance.

Is Mady like Kate and Cara like Jon? Truthinessly, Kate doesn't think Mady is like her because Kate wasn't like that (whatever "that" is) when she was young. Mady is dramatic and outspoken. Cara is sort of like Jon, but they don't like to label the kids. Cara keeps things inside and then explodes later like her father does whereas Kate's explosions are peppered throughout the day like landmines.

Truthfully, Mady may not be like Kate was when she was young, but she's a lot like Kate is TODAY. The glaringly obvious difference between Kate and Mady is that Mady is quite intelligent and tends to blurt out the truth. Kate, on the other hand, is dumber than a bag of hammers and blurts out whatever she has to to make herself look good. I think Jon and Cara are very similar, except Cara's future employment prospects are much brighter.

Do they pay for their trips? The truthiness of the matter is the Gosselins are invited to visit various resorts and vacation spots and they go to promote the resort. They are very grateful and enjoy making family memories.

Do they pay for their trips? No.

In all truthiness, Kate's suggestions for fussy eaters are as follows: kids will eat when they are hungry and they will eat what is put in front of them. They will not starve themselves.

Starving becomes increasingly less likely as long as the Craft Services table and private chefs are around.

Do Mady & Cara have favorites among the tups? Mady and Cara love all the tups equally, except Mady seems to be extra close to Leah and Cara and Collin are C buddies since their names start with the same letter.

Yes, absolutely, the kids all love each other as is proven by the constant complaining and whining and the near-constant hitting and sibling rivalry.

Are the Gosselins moving? Stay tuned, big things will be coming. They won't be living in the same town or the same school district. They have to go somewhere where they will have space because they are jammed into their little house.

The truth is evident when the children are shown running through the little girls' very large and practically empty bedroom. We know the boys' room is about the same. We also know that there is a study room for Mady and Cara despite the fact that the twins have a huge bedroom upstairs. I suspect that the Gosselin home would be much more spacious if they'd lose the film crew and all the equipment. Cutting down on the staff of "helpers" wouldn't hurt, either. Note to Gosselins: just because you tell us how badly you're jammed into that house doesn't mean it's true. We can see for ourselves there is lots of room to grow in that house.

What is the BRATT diet or the sick kid diet? We learn that nothing binds up kids with runny poop better than a diet of bananas, rice, applesauce, tea, and toast.

Seriously, how is that different than how we see those kids eat on most other days? Is being banished to the laundry room floor also part of the diet?

How long will they keep the cameras around? They gauge the future of the show from season to season. They will keep the cameras around as long as it feels healthy. And yes, the cameras make them a stronger family.

How can they tell one "season" from the next when they all seam to run together. We're on Season 4 of the series and the tups are 4 and the series started (specials not included) when the tups were 2. That's two very long seasons a year. How can they tell what's "healthy" and what isn't when they've never had a real break? How, exactly, does a camera make you healthy? Someone explain this to me, please! I can't even fathom how the cameras make them a stronger family. Maybe pretending to be a happy family in front of the cameras is rubbing off in the real life, I don't know. Bottom line: they will keep the cameras around as long as it is profitable to do so.

Do they have tattoos? Yes, they have tattoos. In a truthiness world, Kate is sporting a Pooh tat on her ankle and an olive branch on her belly. Jon has four tattoos including a Korean flag, a yin yang symbol, some letters and a sand thing. The tattoos were the dumbest thing they ever did, but they teach the children not to let other people color on them. Did you hear that? THEY WISH THEY DIDN'T HAVE TATTOOS! I'm sure laser tattoo removal will suddenly appear on their doorstep.

In reality, Kate's olive branch was a rose that was hacked away during her free tummy tuck. (I'm surprised she didn't charge the Doctor for the cost of her tattoo.) And those tattoos are by no stretch of the imagination the dumbest things this pair has ever done. Those tats won't teach the kids not to let others color on them, but they may teach the kids not to get drunk, go to a tattoo parlor, and PAY to let someone else color on them.

It's decided that while J&K are being interviewed, the kids are with a babysitter/helper and are playing or doing crafts or something.

Most notably, for the second new episode in a row, we are clued in on how strong J&K's relationship is. They maintain their spark because they realize that they are the only two people in the world who understand each other, totally disregarding the fact that they are the only two people in the world who can tolerate the other. Maybe if they'd give the in-laws a call, they would find a whole bunch of other people who would love them whether they had a show or not.

Submitted by ThreeFarmers