A Conversation With Santa

A Conversation With Santa

Santa takes time out of his busy toy-making schedule for an exclusive chat with Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of TLC’s hit show Jon & Kate + 8.


Submitted by ThreeFarmers


fostersmom said...

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. I haven’t heard from you folks in a while.

Kate: We took a vote and none of are children believe that you exist.

Jon: Besides, we don’t need presents from Santa when society knows that they are responsible for sending gifts for our children.

Kate: If people want to send us gifts, who are we to say no?

Santa: But the toys I bring are free, too.

Kate: Ok, but you’ll have to sign this sponsorship agreement to have your toys featured on are show and with every present you deliver this year, the contract states you will have to include a copy of are book, Multiple Ble$$ing$.

Santa: But Santa’s sleigh is already mighty full! I won’t have room for all those books.

Kate: Then you’ll have to rent a way-back. Jon, go load Santa’s way-back with copies of are book.

Jon: It’s not a way-back. It’s a trailer. Don’t call it a way-back, people don’t know what you’re talking about.

Santa: How about I let the children sit on my knee and they can tell me their Christmas wishes and have their picture taken with Santa.

Kate: Those will cost you 20 bucks a pop.

Santa: Santa doesn’t use money. My currency is joy and good cheer. Mrs. Claus and I live on love and the laughter of millions of happy children on Christmas morning.

Jon: Seriously, Santa. I can teach you how to collect these love offerings. It’s like fraud in the name of Jesus.

Santa: But I love delivering toys. In fact, I have the perfect toys for your little ones.

Kate: We can’t take your toys. Do you know how much pixilation costs? We’ll go broke trying to blur all that out.

Jon: I’ve always wanted a pot-bellied pig.

Kate: I’d like some Botox to make my brow look sincere.

Santa: Oh, ho, no. I didn’t mean gifts for you, Jon and Kate. You two are on the naughty list.

Kate: The naughty list! HeLLLLL-OOOOOO. You can’t put us on the naughty list. We’ve got the highest rated show on TLC. Do you know who I am? I’m a Kmart spokesperson! I eat organic! I donated the prodceedes of our yard sale to charity! I’m too exhausted to be naughty!

Jon: C’mon, we can’t be that bad.

Santa: Let’s just say that you rank a little higher than Bernard Madoff, but well below the fellow who threw his shoes at Bush.

Kate: But people love us. People are always so happy to see us. We have a great life with acreage! My kids wear Gymboree and Crocs! We’re good parents. We let Bev fold are laundry and we let those ducks at the Peabody stand in the same lobby with us. We even let those sick kids be on are show so that they could get to hold are book.

Santa: If there were an island for misfit parents, you’d be on it, and likely, voted off of it.

Kate: My children are bibbed and fed everyday. Did I say they have Crocs? Jon is the only misfit parent in are house.

Jon: You know, we don’t need your gifts this Christmas. We’re getting a family computer.

Kate: That’s so the twins can surf the internet and find out how much everyone loves us.

Santa: But every child should have at least one Christmas wish come true. What about the little kids? Is it their wish to have a computer?

Kate: Oh, they don’t have time to play on the computer. They’ve got a family to support.

Santa: But, children shouldn’t have to work or be burdened with that sort of responsibility.

Jon: I vowed a long time ago to do whatever I have to do for my children and that includes putting them to work.

Kate: We took a vote and the children want to continue working so they won’t have to go to daycare. They love working because they get a box lunch, Luna bars, and the chance to pet someone else’s puppy.

Santa: But children should be able to play without a care in the world.

Jon: They play. Every afternoon I line them up and kick soccer balls at their heads.

Santa: What sort of childhood memories will your children have if they are working all the time?

Kate: They’ll remember all of are trips to the airport and the camera crews and Jen the producer. They’ll remember that ice cream at Disney and cupcakes on their birthday. They’ll remember my pretty toes after a trip to the spa. Making memories is all we do!

Jon: And those poop pictures, they’ll probably remember those poop pictures.

Kate: Yes, and the half of an M&M they earned for pooping in the potty.

Santa: Who will support you both when the children are grown and on their own?

Kate: “Whom.” “Whom will support” us. Santa, your grammar is horrendously horrendous.

Santa: Uh huh. Can you answer the question?

Kate: There will always be just us. The children will never leave us because we are a family. We’re ordering bigger high chairs next week.

Jon: I hear you own a workshop. Maybe you could help us out with those new high chairs.

Santa: You’re on the naughty list. Remember?

Kate: You just don’t know how to help us.

Join us this spring when the Gosselins meet with Jesus and the Easter Bunny to discuss their fraudulent collection of charitable dollars from those less fortunate.

Submitted by ThreeFarmers

Vicki said...

Three farmers you have captured all things Gosselin once again.
Thank you for this and all you do
to enlighten us in your unique way. Happy Holidays one and all.

Popcorn5 said...

Very, very funny! Great job!

GrammyPie said...

Merry Christmas Three Farmers. You have given all of us bloggers a great Christmas present. Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas to our faithful mods, and to all the other bloggers.

Anonymous said...

I'm rolling over here. Can we make a compilation book and sell it next to Multiple Ble$$ings?

mrspopo said...

Jon: They play. Every afternoon I line them up and kick soccer balls at their heads.

LOL love that line.

Maybe I'm as bad as Kate, but it's "our" not "are".

Keep up the fabulous work :)

trinityella said...

"Jon: They play. Every afternoon I line them up and kick soccer balls at their heads."
OMG 3F! This is to freaking hilarious!!! You have this down girl! Thank you for the belly laughs! =)

Paige said...

OMG!! I'm sitting here at work (remind you I work at a funeral home) cracking up laughing..This was absolutely horrendously funny!! You do great work..I gotta show my husband this one, even he will get a kick out of it!! Thanks so much for the laugh and keep them coming!

Wendy Bird said...

Thank you for the laughs, 3F. As always; brilliantly brilliant.

Karen0101 said...

mrspopo, I think 3Farmers purposely put "are" instead of "our" because of a running joke about Kate making that mistake. I don't know where it originated from. I just know it's kind of an in joke here. Can someone elaborate?

Anonymous said...

Yes the "are" for "our" was intentionally done as was the misspelling of "prodceeds". During the show's introduction, Kate's reiteration of "it's ARE life" is just too obvious to not kid about it.

Thank you, everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

Janine said...

Kate: Then you’ll have to rent a way-back. Jon, go load Santa’s way-back with copies of are book.

Jon: It’s not a way-back. It’s a trailer. Don’t call it a way-back, people don’t know what you’re talking about.
Three Farmers, thanks! This was hysterical!!! You got them down. This could be a REAL dialogue with Santa - it's EXACTLY how they talk!! Love the part about the way-back. I remember when Kate said that. Does that word even exist? That's another one of Kate's insane made-up words she pulled out of her you-know-what, right? Happy Holidays to you and everyone here! This was a great present to all of us!

Irish-Gal said...

I loved the part about the highchairs!

I was just looking at these photos of their Hawaii vow renewal on the TV Guide site and I couldn't believe that even then they had those kids sit in highchairs. I can't imagine working at that hotel and seeing these four-year-olds still sitting in those. Just as a joke I would have had to set up six normal chairs!

Lulu said...

I L-O-L-ed at all the "are" places Kate should have been saying our...and the soccer balls to the head was hilarious too. Good times. Thanks!

Mikemom said...

HO HO HO Three farmers you are the tops in my book.........

Karen said...

LOL OMG. Threefarmes, you are incredibly smart and creative! Every line was filled with snark, and beautifully done too! Wow, you are my idol. If only I could write like you do, I'll get A+ in all my papers!

Simply Amazing!

Thanks for sharing :) :) :)

Gloria said...

Very, very, VERY funny.

Nellie's Mom said...

That's AWESOME Three Farmers-- a great early Christmas present for us!!

3rd Rock From The Sun said...

Very, very good and funny ThreeFarmers. That conversation with Santa would make a great episode. When I was reading it, I could hear Kate and Jon's voice.

Merry Christmas to all from hot and sunny Florida.

SchaedenKON said...

Prodceeds! 3F, you rock!
Merry Christmas to all!

Sarah said...

mrspopop said-

Keep up the fabulous work :)

12/24/2008 10:46 AM

No, fabulous work is protecting children who need protecting or making sure they are taken care of if they do not have shelter or clothing. Fabulous work is not making fun of children.

Nat said...

WOW, that was spot on as usual! I loved it! Thanks so much for posting this and HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!!!

Grace said...

I agree with you Sarah. What purpose could this possibly serve?

Shel said...

Sarah: who was making fun of the children. It was making fun of J&K. and it was pretty funny

Lucy said...

Sarah, I think this is one of the few submissions from ThreeFarmers that does not make fun of the kids. I only saw it making fun of Jon and Kate.

wramblinwreck said...

Sarah, I think 3F has created a hilarious satire about Kon, not their kids. She's captured all of their greedy, self-centered behavior, and its effect on their kids, with deadly accuracy. Thanks, 3F, you're batting 1000!!

nosheeple said...

Lucy, Sarah and Grace -

If you reread all of 3F's posts, she does not make fun of the children.

She makes spot on comments about the greed and horrible parenting of J&K.

noteasybeingstupid said...

Love it!!!! I laughed so hard I spit my juicy juice out.

forever x yours said...

Great! I especially liked the strategically placed misuse of "are" and the "prodceeds".

Gloria said...

I went back and reread this and I see no bashing of the children, just sppofing their greedy, entitled, lazy parents. IMO, 3F nailed this one.

Sydney said...

Kate: Oh, they don’t have time to play on the computer. They’ve got a family to support.
Love that line. So true and so well put!

kiara said...

I feel this is dumb.
not really funny.
I hope you post this
innocent opinion,
you posted enough of
"brilliant" and "very funny"
I just want you to know,
if you thought this was unintelligent,
you are not alone.

Whitney said...

Three Farmers you are hilarious! That is the most perfect summary of J&K I have ever read. If only it weren't so true....

Never Offended said...

OMG if you didn't think that was funny then have some eggnog and read it again. If you still don't think it was funny there is a big red X in the upper right hand corner of the page. Please feel free to use it!

PR said...

That was funny!

And those who don't get it..it's SATIRE! The kids aren't being made fun of. Sheesh!

Tammy H. said...

This is absolutely right on the mark and not to mention HILARIOUS!! I so hope KON reads this blog, which from what I have read, they do and even comment at times. I do have to say, I voted on TLC which show was "#1 Voters Choice" and I picked it right...the one without Kate..I think maybe that's what others were thinking, too. Keep up the good writing. You made my day!

TwinkleToes06 said...

Wow...just wow. That was freakin' awesome! It made me laugh, it made me cry...mostly from laughter! Keep up the good work!

Stefanie said...

That was absolutely hilarious! You totally summed up what type of person Kate is and what is really funny is that I can picture her saying all of these things to Santa Claus. Now how do we send a copy of this to them (Kon)?

Anonymous said...

Even though I do not totally hate Jon and Kate.......that was pretty funny! Poor Santa!

Poodge boy said...

Maybe they should chat with cupid about the meaning of love because kate doesn't understand it

afsdjfakejklfe said...

Cupid: Hey there J&K what valentines would you like to get your children to prove your love

Kate: Excuse me but we prove our love every day
Cupid: How?
Kate: I give those kids so much, i give them the chance to play with jen the producer, scott the camera man and all the other strays that show up to film us. I give them a home, HIghchairs and Bibs.
Jon: Zzzzzzzzzz
Kate: *smack* *smack*
Cupid: how do you love the kids if you dont love eachother
Jon: We do love eachother i have eight kids and two pregancies
Kate: That was only because that was before our show when there was never anything on tv to watch and no one had anything to make money off of.
Cupid: 8 Boxes of sweat hearts?
Kate: I dont love all my kids, I love my hannah and i love my Cara, sometimes i even love leah.
Jon: And i love Collin and Aidan
Cupid: Thats only 5
Kate: We try to cut out Maddy because she is moody probably becasue the cameras dont come enough, Alexis is just so full of energy
Jon: and thoel has that annoying thisp i love to mock but i hate the rest of him