Bam! 100th Episode Recap

BROCCOLI ROCKS

This episode of The Kate Gosselin Show opens with Kate sitting on the couch. She tells the camera that “whoever lands in the interview chair” is the person who will provide the commentary. Thanks for that, Kate. We probably couldn’t have figured that out on our own. “It’s called Rolling With Life,” she sighs. That’s funny. Now see, I would have called it Being A Shrew Will Drive Your Husband Into The Arms Of A Twenty-Three Year Old.

It’s a crazy life, but it’s are life.

continue

Submitted by Laura Linger

150 comments:

Laura Linger said...

BROCCOLI ROCKS

This episode of The Kate Gosselin Show opens with Kate sitting on the couch. She tells the camera that “whoever lands in the interview chair” is the person who will provide the commentary. Thanks for that, Kate. We probably couldn’t have figured that out on our own. “It’s called Rolling With Life,” she sighs. That’s funny. Now see, I would have called it Being A Shrew Will Drive Your Husband Into The Arms Of A Twenty-Three Year Old.

It’s a crazy life, but it’s are life.

Here a Bam! There a Bam! Everywhere a Bam! Bam! It’s the 100th episode of The Kate Gosselin Show, folks, and today’s extra special guest is Chef Emeril Lagasse! I love it when shows have special guest stars, don’t you? Like when Davy Jones was on The Brady Bunch? Or Nancy Reagan on Differ’nt Strokes? Or Stacy Q on Mama’s Family? That was some funny stuff, when they hoochied up Iola and Vinton busted a move to “Two Of Hearts.”

My point? Guest stars are always lots of fun.

Emeril is coming to cook a meal “with the children” at the McMansion. It seems that a chance meeting in an elevator a year ago led to the actual chef coming over for this episode. Kate, on the couch (not quite the one she should be seated upon), does a weird voice that I now see was her unflattering imitation of Emeril.

“Come down, Mady! COME DOWN!” Oh, we’re off to an unpleasantly shrill start. Emeril walks in the door, and the kids, who are dwarfed by this large and imposing man, are overwhelmed. Jon shakes his hand, and Kate, ever the celebrity herself, casually strolls in with what I hope is A Steaming Hot Mug Of Shut Up and embraces Emeril like they are the oldest of friends.

Jon, on the couch (not Deanna’s), says, “I used to watch him all the time. Now he’s in my kitchen cooking dinner.” Oh, the ways your life can change when you use fertility drugs in a shady way and pimp out your children for freebies. It’s wacky, I’ll give you that.

Mady is nowhere to be found (love that girl so much), but Cara stands next to her father, very awkward and shy around Chef Lagasse. This is not good enough if you are going to be on The Kate Gosselin Show. She wants enthusiasm, people! If you can’t give her what she wants, she can always replace you with Waylon Flowers and Madame, or maybe Richard Simmons. Richard’s still alive, right? Get his people on the phone. This Cara kid clearly isn’t working out!

In a move that is simultaneously threatening, invasive, and just plain creepy, Kate starts playing with Cara’s bangs, and says in a singsong voice dripping with faux kindness, “Tell Emeril how you watch him all the time.”

Luckily for Cara, she remembers her line. She mumbles that she watches Emeril all the time. Emeril is gracious about it and seems to put Cara at ease.

As Kate chats with her fellow celebrity chef and fellow cookbook author, Jon hugs his kids in the kitchen.

Four dishes are on the menu for today: green bean casserole, chili mac casserole, granola, and organic chocolate brownies.

As Emeril starts the granola with Jon, Kate begins her lengthy discourse with the camera. It’s as if The Kate Gosselin Show is now Cooking With Kate! Gee, now where is that anvil I was just hit in the head with? I’m sure I can repurpose it somehow.

Kate opines, “I’m totally into granola,” but this love of the stuff doesn’t cause her to have any spontaneous bursts of helping Emeril.

It’s time for the Gosselin kids to help Emeril snap fresh and delicious green beans for the casserole. To his credit, Emeril is great with the children. They seem drawn to him, and he is just really sweet and encouraging to each of them. The kids sit around the counter, snapping beans. Collin is almost left out, but he comes running, and there is a really nice moment where Emeril says, “You want in on this?” Collin is eager…perhaps more than any of the other children…to help.

Laura Linger said...

Which leads to the start of my weekly Kate Gosselin Headache. Kate is not content to just let the children peacefully snap beans with Emeril. Oh, no. Not Kate. There has to be a total drama about the children washing their hands first. Mady, who has shown her face for the bean-snapping task, objects. Kate shouts on the top of her lungs, “STOP! STOP! STOP!” Her neuroses are at a fever pitch and we are only four minutes into the show.

“Girls, go wash your hands in that bathroom! Boys, go wash your hands in the bathroom by MY room,” Kate hollers. Your room, Kate? Where does Jon sleep? Oh, right. In the doghouse with Shoka and Nala. Or maybe you just put him into storage with all the rest of your props for The Kate Gosselin Show.

Did Kate wash HER hands? And wouldn’t it have been easier just to let the kids do their thing and wash the beans afterward?

Kate flirts with the camera crew, also known as Her Adoring Fan Club, when all of a sudden it sounds like the McMansion is crashing down. I guess that’s how you open doors in the Gosselin house, because Leah and Alexis nearly kick a hole in the bathroom door.

Hands all washed, the kids return to their places around the counter to help Emeril with snapping beans. The kids are all so cute here. They really enjoy helping out, you can tell.

Alexis: “I can smell them.”

Joel: “Emeril, is this a good one?”

Alexis: “I try to do my best, but I can’t get it off!”

Aaden: “Emeril, I need some help on this one.”

Collin: “Emeril, look! Emeril! Emeril!”

Kate, all stripey hair and false buoyancy, her mien that of a talk show host being parodied by a comedian, yet entirely earnest and painstakingly studied, has to move the attention where it belongs: on her. A controversy breaks out about crunchy onions for the top of the green bean casserole.

“I love onions,” Kate declares. Meanwhile, her children look on dejectedly as their succubus mother steals attention away from them once again.

As Oniongate goes on, Alexis tries to regain Emeril’s attention, but Kate goes on about her love of onions. Emeril tells the camera that they are “really doing an old-fashioned green bean casserole now, and KATE wants the crispy onion crunch on top.” I guess nobody asked if anyone else liked onions. What do props eat, besides three grapes on a paper plate, anyway?

Kate breaks out a little plastic dustpan and broom for bean remnants. She shows it to Emeril like she, Kate Gosselin, had invented them. I can see why Kate is getting her own cookbook, you guys. She’s just that much of a genius in the kitchen.

The bumper is Cara and Mady, wearing “Bam!” aprons, giving the tired and true bit. However, this time they move aside, revealing adorable Alexis, who yells, “Bam!”

100th episode favorite moment: Hannah poops. Leah comments.

After the commercial, Jon shows up. Emeril tries to engage him about granola. Kate is listening nearby, and literally as soon as Emeril finishes speaking, she snidely asks, “Jon, do you know where the oven is?”

Jon isn’t having it. He simply responds, “I reheat a LOT of things.”

Kate, clearly unaware that she didn’t get Jon’s goat and that the joke is over, laughs a little too loudly and a little too long. “Let me point you to it,” she says.

The kids are nowhere to be found, and Emeril and Kate have a discussion about celery. Emeril peels the celery. Kate just stands there. There’s a gorgeous dark-green jalapeno sitting on the counter. I wonder where Emeril is going to use that? Emeril hands Kate a bit of peeled celery. Kate starts a gushing soliloquy about how much she loves celery.

Laura Linger said...

Sous Chef…his name is unclear… is speaking to Jon, who has been put on garlic detail. While I would have been so ticked off if I was Jon, being relegated to the background while The Lady Of The McMansion flirts with Emeril, I think that Jon had what was a much more interesting time, overall. The sous chef gives a tip about chopping up garlic and putting it in olive oil, so that you can use it for week afterward. I had heard that you couldn’t do that because of bacteria. It would have been nice to hear the tips and discussion. I’d rather hear about the myriad uses of garlic than listen to Kate Gosselin Be! A! Star! anyday.

Jon, on the couch, seems to take it in stride, and says that “apparently he is good in the food prep area.” I am starting to think that Jon is given to a fair amount of snark in his own right, if you think a little bit about what he just said. The camera catches Jon hugging Leah in the kitchen.

It’s lunchtime on The Kate Gosselin Show: paper plates, bibs. Strawberries (one per child), crackers, one slice of turkey. Still, there is a precious moment with the kids, when Joel intones, “They say strawberries grow in the grass.” Oh, they do, do they, Joel? He’s darling.

Emeril is making a mirapoix: chopped onions, carrots, and celery in equal amounts. A little information about this would have been interesting, as it is so commonly used in so many different cuisines that it is also dubbed “The Trinity.” No such luck, as this is The Kate Gosselin Show. Kate is doing nothing but standing there, adding her color commentary, and mugging to the cameras. Emeril tries to give Kate something to do, but she isn’t having it. She is directing, Emeril. Didn’t you know? That’s what Kate does.

Funny, when Sous Chef asks for mixing bowls, Clueless Jon knows exactly where they are.

Silliness ensues with the kids and the turkey slices, complete with whimsical music. I note that they also have a cucumber slice or two each on their paper plates. Hannie and Leah play with their cheese sticks. Honestly, the bit with the turkey slices was both wasteful and nauseating. It was disgusting to see kids taking sliced meat in and out of their mouths without eating them. Maybe if their mother could stop famewhoring for a second, she could correct them.

Jon offers a split and seeded orange pepper to Emeril. Kate sneers, “This is the most I have ever seen him do in the kitchen in my life.” Oh, okay, Kate, but you see, that’s not really true. Remember the entire episode about Korean cooking? Not to mention that there are 99 episodes of evidence as to why Jon might avoid the kitchen.

Kate is in full flirtatious mode. She flirts with Emeril, but as always, she saves her most flirtatious, Ain’t I KYOOT move for the camera crew.

Jon is still working on the garlic, but Alexis and Hannah are with him now. They have a cute conversation about garlic, and you get an excellent sense that Jon is, and always will be, the better parent. He treats the kids like kids, not like props. Alexis especially loves the smell of garlic, which proves that she’s my favorite, once and for all.

Sous Chef gives the boys a tasty treat of nuts. Joel helpfully tells the camera what they are. The thing is, the kids talk more to the camera than they do to Kate. Still, it is beyond cute when Collin happily announces, “I got nuts!”

Emeril tells the cameras that it is good to break down the cooking into jobs that the kids can help with. The camera shows Cara and Mady putting together the ingredients for organic chocolate brownies. There is a bowl on the counter filled with bright, beautiful chopped vegetables, but since we are given very little as to the cooking process nor anything in the way of a recipe, it’s unclear what they are for. Collin, still taken with Emeril and the kitchen process, is sitting quietly and watching the goings-on in the kitchen. Kate is nowhere to be found. I suspect that she was in a place that involves a) Fiji water at room temperature; b) her ever-present cell phone; and c) Tan In A Can.

Laura Linger said...

Kate is put to work chopping onions. Alexis and Hannah watch her. Alexis helpfully says, “Mommy, make sure you don’t get cut!” “I’m making sure, babe,” Kate says. But what she is really doing is flirting with the camera, something you see a lot of during this episode. The kids might as well be cardboard cut-outs. And it seems in the Gosselin household, with a term of endearment like “babe,” you don’t even need to know someone’s real name! Convenient!

Alexis, about the onions: “Oooh, those look yummy!” Hannah observes, “that’s a big pile!” No reaction from their mother, despite their attempts to engage her in conversation.

Emeril sees that Kate is too busy eye-flirting with the camera guy, so he helpfully opines, “That IS a big pile. And she didn’t cry a drop.” Didn’t you hear, Em? You need a soul to be able to cry.

100th episode moment: Alexis and Kate’s first makeover. Also affectionately known as “A Dark Harbinger Of Things To Come.”

Jon, standing in the kitchen, is thrilled to be able to “cook with a great,” indicating Emeril, and shockingly, not Kate. Jon gives a couple of “Bam!”s to show his excitement. He is speaking directly to the camera crew.

You know, you’d think that maybe there might be a Fourth Wall in a house that big.

It looks like some sort of flavorful stew is cooking on the stove, and Emeril tells Kate, who is again just sort of standing around, that he is going “kick it up” with some of his Emeril essence. Kate flirts that she hasn’t heard him say “Bam!” yet, and that she’s “a little disappointed.” Emeril obliges, but only for Kate. The props, er, the kids, who no doubt would have loved it, are nowhere to be found. Collin and Cara are goofing around in a nearby room, and they hear it, with looks of shock on their faces. They are clearly wondering if Daddy finally snapped, and whether or not they should call 911. After all, TMZ would probably broadcast the call, and besides, how can The Kate Gosselin Show continue without Kate Gosselin? Kids aren’t stupid.

Kate describes the Chili Mac that Emeril made as being “really, really good.” A recipe might have been nice. Jalapeno?

Apparently one of the dishes has mushrooms, because Emeril states that a good way to get kids to eat vegetables is to stick them in a casserole like the ones he is making. Or here’s an even better thought: you could encourage your kids to appreciate the smells and tastes of fresh natural vegetables. It obviously works; look at Alexis and her wonderful attitude toward fresh vegetables.

Emeril and Sous Chef put butter in one of the casseroles…I wonder if butter is on Kate’s Fancy! New! Diet!? Hot sauce, too. “Just a hairy hair,” Kate says. Jon, still on garlic detail, is hugged from behind by Hannah and Collin. It’s clear that they don’t want to watch him peel that silly garlic any longer. They obviously want to get some love and attention from their Daddy. And Jon looks so checked out, that kitchen is the last place he seems to want to be, Celebrity Chef or no.

Emeril senses this, not Kate. Or maybe it’s just that Kate doesn’t really care what Jon thinks or says or feels. I suspect the latter. Emeril says it is okay if Jon wants to stop peeling garlic and get started on the granola. Everyone laughs. Except Jon.

Kate and Jon sample one of the dishes as it is being made. The Chili Mac, maybe? Kate nearly has an orgasm, saying, “Oh man, that’s gonna be good.” Now, please excuse me as I go heave a week’s worth of food into my toilet bowl.

Laura Linger said...

Ah, that’s better. Now Collin and Aaden are out in the garage. Yeah, Kate, the kids are completely unaware of the cameras…except that Collin and Aaden have an entire conversation with the camera and sound guys as though they, too, were Gosselin Sextuplets. (And really, aren’t they? They should be known as Camera Guy Gosselin and Sound Guy Gosselin.) Collin clearly has a little hiding place for some small animal toys, and both he and Aaden implore the camera people, “Guys, don’t look. Guys, close your eyes.” The kids are certainly precious, but how sad is this scene? They don’t seem to realize that whether or not the TLC people shut their eyes, their every move is being recorded for millions of eyes to see.

So maybe Kate’s right. Maybe they don’t notice the cameras any longer. Maybe they never really did. Still…is that a good thing?

Jon, Kate and Emeril work on granola. Kate is apparently anti-salt, as a conversation ensues between Jon and Emeril about whether or not she actually added the salt. “I didn’t measure,” she says, finally shrieking, “YES, I DID!” Mean boys, picking on The Star Of The Show! She is also annoyingly picking out bits of granola and shoveling it into her gaping maw, chewing with her mouth open. Jon measures vanilla into a bowl, being encouraged by Emeril.

As the action can’t be centered around anyone else but Kate for longer than ten seconds, Kate shrills, “Oh gosh, we got boilage over here, big time.” Shut up, Kate. You say “real cooks don’t use recipes,” I say that real cooks don’t invent words for simple happenings in the kitchen.

Jon says in a couch interview that watching Emeril in the kitchen was amazing, he was so in control. Funny that Kate never says the same thing, when she did 99% of the day’s Emeril Watching. Jon also says that it was “kinda funny” because Kate considers the kitchen her territory and Emeril basically invaded her space. Emeril tells the camera guys to get a shot of the food he is stirring and Kate says, “They’re not really allowed,” using the same level of dramatic effect one might reserve for a late-night visit from homicide detectives, or perhaps The Crash Of The Hindenberg.

She recovers enough to eye-flirt with the camera guy again, saying “Back, boy. Back.” She smiles widely, all pearly veneers and dead beaver hairdo and flirty eyes, even her wonky one.

Jon and Emeril work on the granola some more. Emeril tries to get Kate interested. Big mistake, as “interest” to Kate usually takes the form of “being a meddlesome shrew to Jon.” Such is the case here, and this time, it involves the spatula Jon is using to spoon granola onto a baking sheet. Kate grabs another one from a kitchen drawer, and with a hip-check slam, orders Jon to use it, saying “it has a bigger scraping surface.” Okay, Kate, great plan! The six seconds you save spooning granola will be used up in washing two spatulas, or at the very least, loading them into one of your two dishwashers.

Emeril, who I suspect has had it with the succubus by now, and had actually thought that he was going to get to spend the day cooking with the children, tersely remarks, “Wait. Leave him alone.” And plain as day, Kate whacks Emeril with the spatula. Hard.

Emeril doesn’t say anything, instead ignoring her, and continues to discuss the intricacies of granola with Jon, while Kate giggles and looks for a reaction from Her Loving Fan Club. Emeril and Jon might as well be life-sized wax figures.

Kate then yells, “Bam!” She also laughs more toward her adoring camera crew.

Emeril decides to be a good sport, and agrees, “Yeah, that was a Bam!” as he rubs his arm where she smacked him. Yet you can tell that Chef Lagasse is NOT amused.

Laura Linger said...

Kate laughs at the memory on the couch, saying, “Oh, that was fun, wasn’t it?” Uh, no, Kate, violence is never fun. That is, unless it is Jon and your children forcibly holding you down while Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin shave that roadkill you call hair clean off your head. Then I would laugh and laugh and laugh. And I would make sure your adoring film crew is there, too, so that I could post the footage to YouTube so that millions of others may laugh and laugh and laugh.

Kate, still on the couch, then lies that she apologized. However, in the very next scene, Kate smacks Emeril with the spatula AGAIN. No apologies. In fact, the only thing Kate says after both blows is, “I have to keep this handy,” meaning the spatula.

Those poor kids.

As Jon and Sous Chef wash dishes, Kate and Emeril put finished granola into Tupperware. Kate sighs, “Oh, Emeril. Come every week, willya?” That might get a little crowded, alongside their regular personal chef. Then again, they do have a larger kitchen now, thanks to the pimping out of eight innocent childhoods.

Emeril says that he wasn’t aware that it was their 100th show, and says to Jon that it is very impressive. Jon, back to the camera, still cleaning up with Sous Chef, “There you go. We’re special now.” Emeril says, “I don’t know how you made it. 100 shows.”

As Jon says, “I don’t know either,” Kate raises her eyebrows, yet says nothing. You see, she doesn’t need to say a word. With one simple movement of her overtweezed brows on that nasty face of hers, she managed to convey breathtaking snideness and utter disdain for the man she chose to father her eight children. And frankly, it’s sickening, and it’s a great example of why I remain firmly on Team Jon, despite his recent misdeeds. I simply cannot blame the man.

In the very next scene, Jon is preparing some green vegetables, with an attentive Joel nearby. Jon playfully swishes Joel’s bangs in a sweeping motion, back and forth, causing the child to giggle. It is a precious moment, and one you would never see between a Gosselin child and Kate. Well, unless a camera was around. Then maybe.

Four more minutes. The kids are back in the kitchen, with little Aaden shadowing Emeril’s every move. “I’m following you,” Aaden says. A strange male voice says out of nowhere, “What do you think, Aaden? Do you like working with Emeril?” Emeril answers for him, saying, “Yeah, he’s my buddy.” Collin and Joel join Aaden in the kitchen and do an impromptu commercial for Emeril’s Essence, which is apparently available for purchase at a supermarket near you. Collin takes the bottle off the counter and says, “Hey, Emeril, this has YOU on it!” Joel and Aaden take turns showing the bottle to the camera, although to Emeril’s credit, he says nothing more about the bottle, even when little Joel asks why Emeril is on it.

The kids play outside with Shoka and Nala nearby. Collin tells his fourth and fifth brothers, the unnamed Gosselin tups, aka Sound Guy Gosselin and Camera Guy Gosselin, that he can ride his bike without hands. “Magic,” he tells them.

In what is my favorite part of the entire episode, Joel, Aaden, Collin and Leah sit down in a landscaped rocky area and create their own little outdoor kitchen. Everyone vies to work at the “stove,” which is a large rock. Collin opines, “you wash your hands when you get sauce on your hands,” to which Aaden replies, “this is broccoli rocks, and we’re going to dip it in the sauce. And you roll it around in the sauce.”

Okay, folks? This is so much better than The Kate Gosselin Show. Why isn’t this show was all about the wonderful little ones and their imagination? They already have the intrusion into their lives, why not truly make them the stars? (Three guesses as to the reason.) You know in their busy little heads, they had a kitchen to rival the Cooking Great that was currently being bossed around by their mother in the house their childhoods bought. Isn’t it fantastic how kids’ minds work?

Instead, we get the Ain’t I Great? I’m Kate! Show. Isn’t it disgusting how adults’ minds work?

Laura Linger said...

Back in the house, Cara and Mady make organic brownies from a mix with Emeril. Kate and Emeril have a misunderstanding about some sauce Kate has apparently been given to monitor; Kate says its “tasty,” while Emeril hears “pasty.” Now, see, I would have heard, “hasty,” as in “the retreat I am going to make because I cannot stand one more second with this weird-haired succubus, cute kids and poor beleaguered sad sack husband or not.”

Mady is struggling with an egg beater, so Emeril steps in, and makes a funny motor noise as he stirs, getting quite a giggle out of dear Mady. It’s clear that all of the children like Emeril a lot. However, Cara looks as checked out of the whole situation as her father is.

Jon and Kate manage to have their second discourse of the episode, and in it, Jon says what I will allow was an excellent and apt pun. He is standing at the middle island grating cheddar cheese, and Kate, as usual, is walking around doing nothing. “How’s it going there?” she sneers at Jon. “It’s degrading,” he responds, as he continues to work. Kate laughs, but not at Jon. Instead, she is looking right at her beloved fan club, Camera Guy and Sound Guy. Jon could be an electric grating machine. It simply wouldn’t matter to Kate, who is firmly ensconced in Kate’s Universe. He’s a prop, like the kids.

Is it just me, or has Clueless Jon done quite literally ten times the actual work in the kitchen today than Kate has?

Finally the camera pans on what look like luscious casseroles, incredible comfort food. The whole family sits down with Emeril to enjoy the day’s cuisine. Little Aaden, sadly, eats with his hands, like one might expect from a baby in a highchair, and he picks out bits of the casserole and asks Emeril about it. One must wonder why a five-year-old child does not know what “macaroni” and “sauce” are.

Joel says earnestly, “This is GOOD, Emeril.” The kids chow down. It’s amazing how their appetites grow when they are tempted with more than three grapes, a half of a cracker, and some cucumber seeds on a paper plate.

Emeril points out that the kids helped to make the meal, and Kate responds by putting her little props through the paces for which she has groomed them since before they were even born.

“Who loves this?” Kate asks everyone and no one.

“Me!” shout the children, dutifully, and the TLC execs, enthusiastically.

It’s time for Emeril to take his leave, and it’s rather awkward, actually. The children seem suddenly guarded, subdued; Emeril gives them a “Bam!” which is met with silence. Hannah finally says, “You’re funny.” Emeril looks puzzled. Poor Emeril Lagasse. Didn’t you know that these kids have to act this way around an adult who leaves? After all, there’s been so many Emerils in their short lives. From Nana Janet to Aunt Jodi to Beth Carson to now even their own Daddy. Even an adult, Emeril, would behave that way, if that adult had lost as many loving adults as the Gosselin kids have.

Kate makes some stupid speech that I am not about to recap, because she has given me a colossal headache. And I have a leftover grain of rice stuck in the back of my left nostril from when she made me throw up. Yeah. It feels as bad as it sounds.

The parting shot, for me, anyway, already occurred: as Emeril is saying his goodbyes, and as her children eat, Kate is sitting with her bright pink cell phone. Texting.

3rd Rock From The Sun said...

Excellent recap Laura. The episode was really dead, but you brought life to it.

I can't belive Kate hitting Emeril. What is wrong in that woman's head? I think Kate has an anger problem.

You can tell that Kate wants ALL the attention. That is so sad. I thought the show was about the kids. Who cares about Kate. she is so vain.

Finally, why couldn't they use the dining room to eat in and put Emeril at the head of the table? I bet Emeril will NEVER go back to the Gosselin house.

cossysmom said...

Wonder if Emeril had to take his shoes off?

ispendtoomuchtimehere said...

When I look in my little crystal ball, the best case scenario for the relationship between these kids and Kate is: awkwardness. No warmth, no adult bond. No calls on Sundays to Mom except maybe once a month, if that-- out of total obligation. Hanging up the phone and feeling annoyed, frustrated, and deep, deep sorrow. Fed-up with the woman who carried them in her belly... because this admittedly incredible feat was spoiled by her constant harping on about it/wanting to be constantly congratulated about it. Not special anymore because everyone knows, it's not between them anymore. No feelings of wonder, amazement, and wanting to call her when they go through their own. Not wanting her near their own kids.

Guilt. Waves of incredible guilt for not feeling a bond or anything for this woman who supposedly done so much for you (because where is the proof? The videotapes are slicked up glossy manufactured things that breed only manufactured emotion.) Blaming yourself, blaming society, and then finally, blaming her.

Then, finally indifference.

And I think they'll all call Jon willingly.

marigold said...

Terricic recap. Yes, Kate plays to the camera more than she ever plays with her kids.

Naj said...

"Succubus mother"

LOL! Best laugh I've had all day. And true too.

eileen said...

Laura, I am adding my praise for your recap. Since I no longer watch them I look to this blog for all the hilarious updates. I, too, think it is "The Kate Gosselin Show"...her dream...and can't wait for TLC to get a clue and dump this show...and, also, Jon needs to grow a pair and stand up to K8 ...someone needs to be the dominant parent to these 8 innocent children...hopefully not all *wishful* thinking!

jonandkatewho? said...

What a recap! That was excellent. Sad, cute, well-written, and funny even though it was sad.

Thank you. Much better than actually watching an episode and I didn't nod off one time!

erica mac said...

Thank you Laura for your excellent take on "The Kate Gosselin" show!!

Now to the boob question: Did they look bigger on the couch than in the episode... ding, ding, ding!!! Why yes they did!!!

Jon, you get my kudos. You hug your kids, and you managed to get some snarky comments into this episode...degrading indeed...

To the tups and twins, I'm glad you were able to be in the presence of a man who didn't treat you like a prop or $$$ sign, and just wanted to cook with you. I'm sorry that this is your childhood. I'm sorry that the camera man and sound guy are your best friends. Go hug your dogs (if they are still on the property of the manse, that's what I did as a kid!) and try to grow up as best you can.

Stacy said...

"She recovers enough to eye-flirt with the camera guy again, saying “Back, boy. Back.” She smiles widely, all pearly veneers and dead beaver hairdo and flirty eyes, even her wonky one."

I've been a lurker and avid reader of this blog for quite some time, but I just had to say this made me laugh out loud. Great recap Laura!

my4kiddos said...

Awesom recap! You captured everything perfectly, down to the last snark!!

Evelyn said...

Funny, funny stuff! So well written. Thanks for taking the time to do that. I realize how much of the episode I did NOT watch!

It's a beautiful LIE said...

Excellent recap! Perfectly snarky, yet heartbreaking at the same time. The line "..the house their childhoods bought" killed me. So sad, so true. Why do perfect strangers on a blog care about these children more than their own parents? Pathetic.

*ispendtoomuchtimehere said...
Love your name--I have that problem myself! Just wanted to say I loved your post. I'm sure that is what the future will be like for these kids. The saddest thing is Kate won't even care that the kids want nothing to do with her, because, truth be told, when they don't make her money, she wants nothing to do with them.

jonandkatewho? said...

There's just something running through my mind about Jon being or seeming so finished with all of this.

Do you suppose that he is really about to take a fall for Kate so she can continue some kind of a show without him, and he will fade into obscurity?

What bothers me is now we have accusations of pot smoking. It seems that every day there is some bad thing coming up about Jon.

Next I start reading on here, and I come to understand that people are saying that they are watching old episodes where some of Kate's meanness is being edited out (along with some of Jon's kindness???)!

Is TLC trying to do a total hatchet-job on Jon so Kate can benefit from it? It makes me wonder....

Ladylou said...

Wow! That recap was so funny... yes I watched the show but your remake of it in words was so much more colorful! If you could do the recap for the next 38-39 episodes I will give up watching for sure.

qtrfan said...

Wow, that is one impressive recap. Thanks for the time you spent putting it together! I {{{lowers eyes in shame}}} actually watched the show and did not pick up on a lot of this. Sad, sad, sad show.

You might find it interesting on that other site one sheeple thought the show was boring, but she was glad to get some good recipes. What?????

Now I know I did not watch this episode with my full attention, but I cannot recall anything that resembled a recipe.

It goes to show a sheeple can see things that us mere mortals are unable to see.

Kathleen'O said...

AMAZING recap!!! I haven't watched since the last episode of last season (whatever episode that was...I don't bother remembering anymore), so I depend on these recaps. This is one of the best I've ever read! Thanks for writing this for us!

I hope and pray that these children are able to grow up to be normal-functioning, productive members of society. But as far as their relationship with Kate goes, I say the damage is done. And that's truly pitiful.

thinking of the children said...

Thank you Laura for giving a somewhat dull episode a spark. So glad that you included the Gosselin children in your recap. Sometimes the kids are in the limelight and it is all about the scheming money grubbing parents.

timetogokon said...

Laura-

I have always enjoyed your comments .

I no longer watch the show and the recaps for me are bittersweet. Funny as hell with the snark and so devestatingly sad that these children have such a monster for a mother.

SuzanneDeAZ said...

What is the practice of hitting someone when you say "bam"?

Janet H said...

Laura Linger said: "The parting shot, for me, anyway, already occurred: as Emeril is saying his goodbyes, and as her children eat, Kate is sitting with her bright pink cell phone. Texting."

I assume she is texting her boyfriend Steve.

I have not watched since the premiere episode. Do not intend to although I was one of the die-hard fans and am planning to email TLC/Discovery of my distaste for the show. However, I will read the recaps until TLC pulls the show.

eatfoodnot2muchmostlyplants said...

This woman is insufferable. if your PR team went through the effort of actually convincing you that you are , in fact, wildly unlikeable and need to change your on-air personality TAKE. ACTING. LESSONS. A few shrill laughs and forced smiles do not convince anyone that you are not a succubus that feasts on the happiness of your children and the soul of a young happy-go-lucky Asian man.

Charlotte said...

LOVED the recap!

For anyone who missed this MUCH LESS EDITED clip of Kate drinking water while she KNOWS Mady is thirsty:

http://www.accesshollywood.com/video_1122485

Kat said...

I'm new to this site..but Laura Lingers posts are so right on..and friggin funny too! Ilove reading her posts!!

ColorMeConfused said...

OMG! I am crying over here! ROFL!

Great recap!

konspiracytheory said...

Laura,

I've always enjoyed reading your insightful comments. I was thrilled when I saw that you did the recap - excellent job!

bcsurvivor2001 said...

Wow - wonderful recap indeed. You pretty much nailed the entire show.

L said...

I cannot believe how annoying and rude Kate is now! I wish I could reach into my TV, grab her, and try to knock some sense in her. I hate how she's so extremely ungrateful and incredibly self-absorbed.

Huh said...

Good recap! I noticed the flirting as well. Was the camera-man that cute young Asian guy? She really seems to smile at him more than she ever has at Jon. I was trying to find a picture of him, but can't seem to find one.

Save the Gosselin 8 said...

OMG
That was the funniest, well written, articulate recap one could ever wish for!
I don't watch, but from all accts it was BORING.
You, however, have written a masterpiece!
It almost makes one want the show to go on...almost...
You certainly should be writing for a sitcom.
Amazing!
Kate, take that with a BAM!

It's a beautiful LIE said...

Charlotte said...
LOVED the recap!

For anyone who missed this MUCH LESS EDITED clip of Kate drinking water while she KNOWS Mady is thirsty:

http://www.accesshollywood.com/video_1122485


I am sorry, but I HATE THIS WOMAN!!!

Mods, thanks for humoring me. I know this post doesn't belong here.

Just saying said...

Laura Linger,

Awesome recap! Great job. Made me laugh and laugh.

(psst...there's a little typo in the line that begins with "It's a crazy life, but..."... )

BlackZ28 said...

ROFLMAO!

I have read the blog and comments before...this recap was so frikin FUNNY! And dead on too. I watched the show last night because I hadn't seen it in months. I am sorry I watched. I too am Team Jon.

CJP said...

"They are clearly wondering if Daddy finally snapped, and whether or not they should call 911."

I know abuse isn't a laughing matter (even insinuated), but that made me laugh so hard I almost dropped the laptop!

GREAT recap!

savethegosselin9 said...

Thanks for an excellent recap. I didn't watch the week before with Kate's BD but was very curious about this week. I fell asleep while it was on so I needed to read a recap.
I felt sorry for Emeril in the bit I managed to stay awake for---Kate's narcissism seems to be getting worse!
L.L., you are very talented!

standing up for the Gosselin kids said...

"100th episode moment: Alexis and Kate’s first makeover. Also affectionately known as “A Dark Harbinger Of Things To Come"

I was thinking of the irony of that clip too. She mentioned something about never wanting to leave the kids like that again in the original clip but that was cut out. Now she leaves for at least half the month right? I also have a daughter named Alexis who is as cute as a button (if I do say so myself) and I miss her after a couple of hours. I'm totally serious. I need breaks, just like any parent, but after I've been out for a while I want to go home and see her. She's three and I am a real stay-at-home mom. So I can't comprehend someone that leaves for "their job" as often as Kate does.

Good recap, Laura! Way more entertaining than the actual show. And you're right, Cara looks just as "checked out" as Jon does.

MaggyBlue said...

She recovers enough to eye-flirt with the camera guy again, saying “Back, boy. Back.” She smiles widely, all pearly veneers and dead beaver hairdo and flirty eyes, even her wonky one.

-----------------------

Talk about painting a picture with words! I really didn't need to see her quite that vividly!!

Verrrry Funnnny!!

Cherier1 said...

Laura, you have a gift, my dear, and I thank you for sharing it with us! A most excellent recap!

CityGirl said...

FINALLY!! The recap!! I wasn't sure you all were doing one. Very funny! I watched the rerun that came on later while my daughter was asleep, since this show has become not suitable for children. Aside from the smart a** remarks she threw at jon every chance she got, the saddest part that I saw was when collin and Aaden were getting out those toys from the coat pockets and calling them their "friends" so sad. It does seem that the kids take to everyone, that is because strangers are friendlier and actually allow the children to speak, a complete sentence. however, it does seem that they are becoming very withdrawn. Maybe because they have been snapped at for speaking, by a certain mommy. I cannot believe they are still in those bibs. Why? Kate doesn't need to sell their clothes anymore. Why? would she continue to do that? Oh, I dont know if anyone said this already but there are some really funny pics of Kate on Us weekly.com They are from her high school yearbook, Big glasses and all!! Lastly, I really hate the new wicked LOUD LOUD laugh kate has acquired lately, what is with that, the pitch is getting louder each time, I'll bet jon thinks of slapping her every time her hears it! Its got to be much louder in the same room, cause its loud on TV.

sallie said...

Just saying said...(psst...there's a little typo in the line that begins with "It's a crazy life, but..."... )

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^6
I think the recap author did that intentionally. If you watch the opening for the show, Kate says, "It's a crazy life, but it's our life." However, she pronounces "our" like "are". I think it's a regional thing, but I've seen folks mention it on here before. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong :)

Aint' that the truth! said...

Laura Linger said...


Emeril points out that the kids helped to make the meal, and Kate responds by putting her little props through the paces for which she has groomed them since before they were even born.

“Who loves this?” Kate asks everyone and no one.

“Me!” shout the children, dutifully, and the TLC execs, enthusiastically.

-----

Ain't that the truth! BAM!

thanks for the recap! said...

Fabulous recap!!!! I had to read it twice...I needed a good laugh today :) Recaps like these absolutely eliminate the need to watch the show...that's a good thing! I'm glad to read that the kids seemed to enjoy cooking with Emeril. I think it's truly sad that they probably aren't given the opportunity to help in the kitchen much. That is, unless "not-a-nanny" lets them help. The snide remarks you said Kate kept making towards Jon make me sick. Even if she can't stand the sight of him, she shouldn't be so disrespectful in front of her children. They may be little, but they pick up on EVERYTHING!

I know kids are resilient and all, but I really think the damage won't manifest itself until they're older. I hope someone steps in and stops this sooner rather than later.

Thanks again for the recap! Maybe one day there will be no show to do a recap on...we can all hope...

Biag1 said...

Um, could someone please explain to me why the kids food portions seem so pathetically TINY? ONE strawberry per child? Cucumber slice (little to no nutritional value by the way Kate). Three grapes, a cheese cube, a cracker or 2 (all these I have seen in one episode or another). I dont have kids, but I would think they need more than that to survive. Is she afraid they will gain weight and become less marketable or something?

Just saying said...

Sallie,

Thanks! I bet you're right...I've noticed that Kate says that weirdly. (I normally wouldn't have said anything at all but Laurie Linger obviously puts a lot of creativity and time into her writing. That's one of those mistakes we all make when we type what we're saying in our head. But to me, it's like discovering spinach in your teeth from the lunch you ate hours ago..you wish someone had told you.

JenTru said...

Great recap! Succubus. That's is perfectly perfect for Kate!

Dianna said...

Laura Linger said...

She smiles widely, all pearly veneers and dead beaver hairdo and flirty eyes, even her wonky one.
________________________

OMG LOL! You're the best Laura! Thank you for an outstanding recap- too much!

theirlifeisanightmare said...

BRAVO!!!
I didn't watch but your recap was far more entertaining anyway.

K8_needs_a_flea_dip said...

what a great recap! I love the line ..I’d rather hear about the myriad uses of garlic than listen to Kate Gosselin Be! A! Star! anyday.

What a way to put it! I hope you keep up the recaps, I definitely will not watch as long as I can read it with so much color.

wendyzr said...

"you get an excellent sense that Jon is, and always will be, the better parent.

.....He treats the kids like kids, not like props."
__________________________________

That says it all.

Deb said...

The BEST recap I've ever read here. Brilliant.

My favorite part that I also noticed but didn't hear anyone mention:

"She recovers enough to eye-flirt with the camera guy again, saying “Back, boy. Back.” She smiles widely, all pearly veneers and dead beaver hairdo and flirty eyes, even her wonky one."

It was VERY creepy..I felt so awkward seeing her do that, a mother in the kitchen with her children and husband and she was acting so sexual!

I'm no prude and am usually the LAST one to take offense at crude humor..but she was literally using the spoon as a whip and purred "down boy" and as he backed away, she had this horrible grin and was moving her hands suggestively. How embarrassing for her family!

Honestly, she was acting so loose and flirty, I can't imagine how their guest felt. Oh and why was Emeril not seated at the head of the table..but jammed alongside the kids? Poor guy is quite portly and he was barely on the edge of the table!

But yea, that was just too much. I can't believe how terrible that looked..she's practically making love to the camera!

SaNdY said...

Excellent recap Laura, thank you!

Mom of 5 kids said...

Um, could someone please explain to me why the kids food portions seem so pathetically TINY? ONE strawberry per child? Cucumber slice (little to no nutritional value by the way Kate). Three grapes, a cheese cube, a cracker or 2 (all these I have seen in one episode or another). I dont have kids, but I would think they need more than that to survive.

Sometimes kids don't eat much...so I tend to serve just small amounts of food to my kids to avoid having to throw a lot away. One strawberry for a 5 year old? Yes, if it was a big one. 1 cheese cube? No...4-5 is more like it.

I also put a fruit tray on the table with each meal, and a veggie & dip tray, from which they can help themselves to more. They can get "seconds" of the main food.

In between meals my kids have a "healthy snack list" that contains a good mix of foods (fruit, cheese, boiled eggs, whole grain crackers, peanut butter, whole grain bread, tortillas, healthy cereals...) that my kids are allowed to serve to themselves at will.

Food restriction was a big issue in my house growing up, and now I struggle with being over weight. I want my kids to learn to listen to their body cues on eating. So far, all of them are at a very good weight for their height, and though of course they like sweets, when presented with a "buffet," they will self select a decent amount of healthy food.

Weezy said...

LOL, great recap!

btw, i googled the recipe and the official name is
"Slap Yo' Mama Chili Mac"

*sigh*

SpendWAAYTooMuchTimeHERE said...

Loved, loved, loved the recap. I haven't seen the show so the recap was great. It was the perfect combination of sass and summary. Please, do another!

On a side note, I must thank Kate. Really. She has taught me how NOT to treat my husband and children. I admit, sometimes, I can be snarky with my husband. But when I see how degrading it is, how humilating for Jon...I think twice and bite my tongue. I look for the positive and am trying to be thankful for all the things he does do well.

I also try to find quiet moments with each of my children now. I put aside the computer/phone/etc. to connect with them. Watching Kate mistreat her family has convicted me and changed me. For the better.

Karma said...

LMAO - TOTALLY FUNNY RECAP!! Reality Steve does not hold a candle to you Laura.

I hope somehow this recap reaches a wider audience. Can Admin forward it to other blog or news sites?

cdnmom47 said...

I haven't watched the show in two years as Kate's abusive behavior affected me so. I do, however, enjoy these recaps! Thanks for the excellent writing, Laura! I'm sure I never would see the show as vividly as you do...lol...your use of adjectives is amazing! You describe our lady Kate with such vivid words....who needs to watch this on tv?

Also, I've watched many edited versions of the 'water incident' and for the first time was able to see the whole thing...thanks Charlotte (I believe it was you) who posted the url for the video. I never would have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself...she actually did ask for water and drink in front of her thirsty child...and this is the mother that all sheeples worship?

She's just as Mady says

'MEAN'

http://www.accesshollywood.com/video_1122485

Shel said...

Rofl! This is great! Since I've discovered this site (just recently) I have NO need to watch anymore. :)

SwingsandRoundabouts said...

Laura, excellent recap!! I laughed out loud several times. Your wit and writing are terrific. Sorry about the subject matter...Kate the Star.

BTW I also learned how to be a good mother by consciously not behaving like my own mother and perhaps these kids will turn out ok too and have decent lives when she is no longer a part of theirs.

lifeoriley said...

Great recap--hilarious and sad at the same time.
"Succubus" is a great word for Kate. Also, if she were really holding a "Steaming Hot Mug of Shut Up", I'd be willing to donate a lifetime supply!

Mom Of 3 In Ohio said...

Well, I won't be watching Emeril's show anymore either. Not after he appeared on the "dog and pony" pony show.

Naj said...

cdnmom47 said...
Also, I've watched many edited versions of the 'water incident' and for the first time was able to see the whole thing...thanks Charlotte (I believe it was you) who posted the url for the video. I never would have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself...she actually did ask for water and drink in front of her thirsty child...and this is the mother that all sheeples worship?


+ + + + + + + +

Agreed. I don't know what I find more disturbing. Kate's abuse (and it is abuse) of her children, or the people who idolize her and say she's a great Mom!

delilahboyd said...

Excellent recap! The Kate Show sucks, doesn't it? It seems that the network is working overtime to make it look like they're not exploiting the 'tups. The first 99 episodes, however, tell the real tale.

Also...


SpendWAAYTooMuchTimeHERE said...

On a side note, I must thank Kate. Really. She has taught me how NOT to treat my husband and children. I admit, sometimes, I can be snarky with my husband. But when I see how degrading it is, how humiliating for Jon...I think twice and bite my tongue. I look for the positive and am trying to be thankful for all the things he does do well.

*****

Me, too! I've been a lot sweeter since Kate Gosselin showed up on my TV! I'm much more careful about not hurting anyone's feelings now.

They should change this show to Let Kate Show You How Not To Behave.

Philly Hockey Mom said...

(Jon is still working on the garlic, but Alexis and Hannah are with him now. They have a cute conversation about garlic, and you get an excellent sense that Jon is, and always will be, the better parent. He treats the kids like kids, not like props.)

I didn't see the show but from the recap it appears Jon made time for everyone of the kids. He IS the better parent! I hope he wants to fight tooth and nail for these kids if they do break up.

(And she didn’t cry a drop.” Didn’t you hear, Em? You need a soul to be able to cry.)

This had to be the best line of the recap........priceless!

(Collin clearly has a little hiding place for some small animal toys, and both he and Aaden implore the camera people, “Guys, don’t look. Guys, close your eyes.” The kids are certainly precious, but how sad is this scene? They don’t seem to realize that whether or not the TLC people shut their eyes, their every move is being recorded for millions of eyes to see.)

So sad.....I thought they said that if the kids said no to being filmed, that was it the camera's were turned off? Make sme sick.


(And really, aren’t they? They should be known as Camera Guy Gosselin and Sound Guy Gosselin.)

AWESOME

(It’s time for Emeril to take his leave, and it’s rather awkward, actually. The children seem suddenly guarded, subdued.)

Those sweet kids take to stangers because they more attention and praise them mor than their mom. People come and go and the kids pay the price.

Loved the recap.....loved the little scene you played out of the landscape kitchen. As much as I hate the kids working, if they have to work.....let's see them!!

Excellent Job!

WVDragonlady said...

I'm so glad I stopped watching this "show" after the gumgate. I knew she was cruel to her husband, and lazy enough to sit in a wally world plastic chair and give orders, but gumgate was the cruelest of all IMO.
Outstanding recap by the way. Thank you

Steph said...

awesome recap! I didn't watch but was wondering about the bit on the preview where Kate says in her maniacal voice something like "and I'm still alive!" was that only in the preview? it's like Kate is on some major puppy-uppers lately!

Merry/OCNJ said...

Yes I too have been spending way to much time here being "show" free and looking forward to recaps.
Ahhhhh!and what a recap that was.Is someone a professional writer and if not maybe one should consider it. Job well done and thank-you keep them coming.

Great Recap! said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I haven't watched the show in some time and have learned that the recaps are so much better than watching the show!!! Good Job!

Personally (and this is just my opinion) I find the people who idolize her to be worse than Kate. There will always be cruel, hateful people in the world, but to support them is unconscionable!

Beana said...

Haha, it is The Kate Gosselin Show, isn't it. The whole pandering to the camera annoys me.

Bellasmama2000 said...

If you want to read a great story about a REAL family with multiples and their take on KON's lifestyle, check out this link. I heart this family!

http://www.ohio.com/lifestyle/47139127.html

It's ARE life said...

sallie said...
Just saying said...(psst...there's a little typo in the line that begins with "It's a crazy life, but..."... )

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^6
I think the recap author did that intentionally. If you watch the opening for the show, Kate says, "It's a crazy life, but it's our life." However, she pronounces "our" like "are". I think it's a regional thing, but I've seen folks mention it on here before. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong :)

++++

The phrase spelled "It's ARE life" has been said many times on GWOP, mocking the way Kate pronounces the word "OUR" :o)

Kellie Jo said...

Weezy said "btw, i googled the recipe and the official name is
"Slap Yo' Mama Chili Mac"

************

HILARIOUS!

rachel said...

Laughed out loud at Oniongate and beaver-hair. But on a serious note, one thing that gets me about Kate: in the early shows, she didn't talk to the cameras, or if she did, it was as if she was answering a question to the general audience (ie, juggling infant care for so many babies). But before long, I started to get the feeling that Kate was actually talking more to the camera people than to the audience. Like she was having a private conversation w/them and we, the viewers (as well as her kids) were intruding . . . you know, roll of the eyes, a snort of disdain and then she'd go right back to talking to the camera person, producer, whomever. It is only getting worse.

samcarter said...

Emeril was the original media whore when it came to TV chefs. He was frakkin' EVERYWHERE. Looks like he met his match with Kate.

SICKENING said...

The video of Kate withholding water from her children especially Mady is ridiculous. Kate had time to drink it herself but denied her own children. She is beyond help. If I were interviewing her I would have stopped the interview right then and there and told her to leave. She obviously thinks she is the QUEEN of something and nobody will talk down to her.

I have news for her... her day is coming and she is going to get knocked of her little box soon! VERY SOON!

ForeverHopeful said...

Cooking is near and dear to my heart, so I was happy that there would be a cooking segment on J&K+8 this week.

I have to admit that I was a bit nervous of what Kate would do with "strangers" in HER KITCHEN!

I DO find myself ticking off things that I EXPECT to happen on J&K+8 these days,though:

1) Overuse of the words "messy", "disgusting", and "annoying
2) People getting hit/smacked etc.
3) Lack of smiles
4) Jon's almost-ready-to-retalliate look
5) KATE time
6) Kate talking more than all the rest of the people in her family put together
7) Mady's unhappiness
8) Washing hands
9) Lack of warmth
10) focus on Kate rather than the kids
11) Rudeness
12) Missing great parent/child moments and opportunities

I'm getting pretty good at predicting how things will go! I notice all of you are, too!

I find myself eternally thankful that I let my boys (now 20 and 28) make TONS of messes.

I am happy that I let them be in the kitchen from a very early age and that their Grandfather trusted them to join him in his woodshop to learn to pound nails and use a screwdriver.

I am thankful that I let THEM decide whether their day was ruined if they got wet, muddy, sandy or gooey. (It NEVER was!)

For me, J&K+8 has become a measuring tool for me as a mom. Rather than just learn about their family, their show provides a comparison to my own family.

I am hopeful that there will be enough NORMAL people around the twins and sextuplets that will help to give them the love and attention that they are NOT getting from their own family (especially their mother).

I am glad every day that I chose to let my boys be CHILDREN and get messy and have chances to learn by doing.

Maybe by bringing in more and more people to the show like Duff, Mary Alice, Emeril etc. the kids will have a chance to truly BE childen...even MESSY ones!

Maude said...

Let's remove Emeril from the equation for a moment.
Who, in the world, would SMACK, a GUEST in their home?! Who?
I won't even go into how inappropriate her little "love taps" are.
Was this woman raised with ANY physical boundries? She demonstrates almost no physical affection, but can smack willy-nilly, laugh, and act like she's just being playful.
Her love taps remind me of people who say something rude and hurtful (like "you didn't pay for that haircut, did you"?), laugh, and say just kidding.
They're not.
They just use this excuse to say whatever they want without feeling any responsibility for being mean.
Negative comments, and actions, are still negative no matter how you present them.

SundayRose said...

Oh Laura Linger, you've just written what I call a jewel of a masterpiece! Your description of the show is dazzling and intense, and your points were brilliantly captured. Every last word was executed with pure perfection and I commend you on your insights. I WISH YOUR RECAP COULD BE SENT TO ALL THE MEDIA SOURCES as it shows Kate for the shameful person and mother that she is.

Luved your observant comments on Jon. I am Team Jon. He surely is a good dad.

AnnieD said...

Great recap...but one thing, and I know it is easy to miss - Aaden not knowing macaroni is wrong. He asked, "What's this white stuff?" and Emeril said "Macaroni" and he was like no, this white stuff and pointed to something else and Emeril said "sauce". I am borrowing here from Jocelyne 6/09/2009 6:52 AM in the precious thread, but I saw it exactly the same way.

AllforthefreeingtheGosselineight said...

Laura L,
Loved the recap!!! Way better than the show, which was sooo boring I turned it off and erased it from my dvr (forgot to cancel the recordings). You definitely have a knack with words. Succubus definitely describes K8 perfectly. It was soo nice to see Jon loving on them, like a normal parent. IMHO I think he is stuck on a merry go round and just doesn't know how to get off, I know I've been there myself (different situation though). K8 uses the kids as pawns in her game of Life, and I wouldn't doubt that they know it. I just have one question: when Collin and Aaden asked the camera guys to close their eyes, why did they not turn the camera's off?? It was very apparent, at least to me, that they didn't want them to be around while they were doing whatever it was that they were doing with their toys. I thought that K8 said that if they didn't want to be filmed, then they wouldn't be filmed?? Oh wait, apparently that was yet another lie from K8. These kids are going to grow up and resent her for not allowing them to have a normal childhood. The succubus needs to be taken out back and destroyed, meaning no more show, no custody of her kids, all the money that is made while the show goes on is put in trusts for those beautiful children, the McMansion is sold with the profits going into the kids trusts, any recent freebies, such as the bikes, are either sold or donated, leaving K8 to have to go back to living in a trailer just like she did growing up. She is the epitome of the terms White Trash and Trailer Trash.

wramblinwreck said...

Absolutely loved the recap, LL! The perfect combination of humor, pathos, and snark. What a gift for those of us who no longer watch. Thanks GWOP!!

bedonenow said...

Good Morning all. Just some thoughts and thank you for the fab Recap!

Upthread there is a discussion about the children addressing their guest by his first name. A Famous CookBook Author like Katie Gosselin should know that the ONLY way to address Emeril Lagasse is the title "Chef". If they want to make it cuter for the ratings the kids could have called him "Chef Emeril." Yes I know that Katie thinks she and Chef are old dear friends but it is a parent's job to teach children manners and respect in addition to gimmegimmegimme.

Laura in her recap talks alot about Kate flirting the camera guy. I dont watch anymore, but she was always glancing just off-screen for validation from someone. Especially when she would say at least once an epi "Men. Arent they wonderful?" She puts her elbows on her hips, clasps her wrists and looks off=camera for someone to tell her how brilliant and engaging she is. Who from Figure8 has the full time job of puffing the woman's ego while standing next to the camera? My kids had a little saying when they were very young and laughed at their own jokes: "I crack myself up." That's Katie! She is still 6 years old!

Someone had a great theory about using up the taped episodes before they announce divorce. But then I recalled that they just last week got done filming her pretending to trot on the beach with her children for 12 days in North Carolina, and now a TLC crew trailing with her into Starbucks this week. Does anyone know where she is getting Starbucks Coupons for 8 or 10 people? I could use some myself, too $$ for me.

I did admire Kate for the different colors, textures, food values of the little things that she would put on a plate for them. But that was toddler food. I agree these kids are still fed like babies when she is around and it is the parent's responsibility to teach more grown up food habits as well as table manners. I know I know she is "too busy and too exhausted" to do any more than pretend she is herding calves.

Virginia said...

Team Jon here, too.

I didn't watch the show, but I enjoyed your recap more than any other I've read, Laura. You certainly can paint a picture with the best of them.

Kate can not be gracious. She doesn't know the meaning of the word, among many others. While I embrace the childhood years of my kids, she seems to actually resent them being kids while at the same time treating them both like toddlers and like the meal (and spa) tickets they are. Very strange. And very strange that the PA authorities would even have to take as long as they have to "investigate" the Gosselin kids' working conditions.

I would've loved to have heard that Emeril (or even Jon) had taken that big red spatula out of the shrew's hand and given her a big smack with it, hard, and then looked at the camera saying "You're welcome" to all of us who would be screaming our thank you's.

arminius said...

This is posted today on Marketwatch.com, about the stages successful companies go through on the way to failure. I thought it was apropos of Gosselins, Inc., and their relationship with TLC, and each other.

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/how-the-mighty-fall

Stage 1 is hubris born of success. The company's people become arrogant, regarding success as virtually an entitlement.

Stage 2 is the undisciplined pursuit of more -- more scale, more growth, more acclaim. Companies stray from the disciplined creativity that led them to greatness in the first place, making undisciplined leaps into areas where they cannot be great or growing faster than they can achieve with excellence, or both.

Stage 3 is denial of risk and peril. Leaders of the company discount negative data, amplify positive data and put a positive spin on ambiguous data. Those in power start to blame external factors for setbacks rather than accept responsibility.

Stage 4 is grasping for salvation. Common "saviors" include a charismatic visionary leader, a bold but untested strategy, a radical transformation, a "game changing" acquisition or any number of other silver-bullet solutions.

Stage 5 is capitulation to irrelevance or death. Accumulative setbacks and expensive false starts erode financial strength and individual spirits to such an extent that leaders abandon all hope of building a great future. In some cases their leaders just sell out. In other cases the institution atrophies to utter insignificance.

UGH! said...

Agreed. I don't know what I find more disturbing. Kate's abuse (and it is abuse) of her children, or the people who idolize her and say she's a great Mom!

-----------

Just curious:

Are there any converted sheeple here? I'm talking about die hard sheeple , bought the books, loved everything about K8, maybe went to a speaking engagement or sent her gifts ? If so, what made you change your mind?

UGH! said...

Emeril was the original media whore when it came to TV chefs. He was frakkin' EVERYWHERE. Looks like he met his match with Kate.

-----------------------

Not a huge Emeril fan myself, but from what I've read here and other blogs, he was really great with the kids.

AmyAZ said...

Charlotte that clip was horrible! I can't belive she would do that.

Great Recap!

jonandkatewho? said...

Ok, does anybody here really believe that Kate's day will come and she will no longer be on television?

I just am so sick of her. I want to hope and pray that Jon finally wakes up but as I have said before I am becoming more and more sure that he is as blinded by bling as she is. I wanted him to ride in on his white parenting horse and take those kids away from Kate. But it seems he is being painted in many kinds of unfavorable lights, and when the divorce comes, if it does, Kate will use every negative thing she can make up or find to try to get the kids. I think this would be disastrous for those children. I think they are sunk if she gets them, with little to no chance of happiness in their childhoods.

What do you all think? Do you think he is being set up in more ways than one to take the fall? Do you believe that somebody will give Kate a show? Maybe if they did she wouldn't need to use those kids to make her living, so maybe that would be a good thing? I mean, we don't have to watch her, right? Not wanting her to succeed is due to her horrible personality; I hate to even say that about another woman but I would hate to see her evil scheming succeed. I also would hate to see her keep using these kids, but this show can't last forever, right?

I'd just like some predictions as to what might happen in her case.

I'm sorry if I put this in the wrong thread, but that recap really got to me. It made me very sad yet was so entertaining and spot on at the same time.

dede02 said...

I have been home sick for the past few days & have been watching some reruns of Jon & Kate plus 8. It is really interesting how much you don't notice when watching the first time. (at least for me) For instance, on the Emeril episode, at the end, Kate is sitting in the interview chair talking about Emeril getting on the elevator with them, she says (about Emeril) "HIS WHOLE GOAL, IT STARTED IN THAT ELEVATOR, WAS TO MAKE A MEAL FOR US & SIT AROUND TO EAT WITH US!" I mean, does Kate really think that Emeril planned this out. The way she talks, Emeril had this planned out! wth? She honestly thinks it is an honor for anyone to be able to do ANYTHING for her & her family. I have NEVER seen anyone with such a sense of entitlement. Kate cannot even PRETEND to be gracious.I mean, when she asked Emeril what goes on top of the green bean casserole, Emeril said cheese. I think he was planning on leaving out the fried onions because of the kids, (in case everyone didn't like them) Kate says "I LOVE THEM" Well, Kate, it is always about you! Who cares what anyone else wants? She makes me sick!

Judy said...

The poster upthread is absolutely correct...Emeril Lagasse should have been addressed as "Chef." Anything else is disrespectful. I don't fault the children, I fault Kate.

That woman has no class at all.

Rebecca F. said...

I just watched the episode from the spa vacation and I can't believe poor Maddy proudly says she bought her twin a stuffed turtle and then Kate says stuffed animals are the worst present in the world!!

I'm outraged. I cannot believe that she is so stupid? heartless? that she wouldn't realize that her comment would really hurt Maddy. Gosh. My heart just about broke for poor Maddy.

I used to at least try to see Kate's side but no longer.

Go Jon!

Momof2 said...

jonandkatewho? said...

What do you all think? Do you think he is being set up in more ways than one to take the fall? Do you believe that somebody will give Kate a show? Maybe if they did she wouldn't need to use those kids to make her living, so maybe that would be a good thing? I mean, we don't have to watch her, right? Not wanting her to succeed is due to her horrible personality; I hate to even say that about another woman but I would hate to see her evil scheming succeed. I also would hate to see her keep using these kids, but this show can't last forever, right?

I'd just like some predictions as to what might happen in her case.
.................

Since you're fishing for opinions I'll bite. I personally do not feel Kate has a future on TV...she is much hated in the mainstream media and REAL celebrities have harsh words for her...she is a pariah. There have been REAL celebrities who are LIKED who tried to start new shows and for whatever reason they didn't last. Can you imagine one of the most hated women in America trying to make nice with other adults?

Not to mention that public opinion overwhelmingly supports the fact that she needs to be HOME with her kids and not gallivanting around like a superstar with bodyguards.

RuthinVA said...

arminius said...
This is posted today on Marketwatch.com, about the stages successful companies go through on the way to failure. I thought it was apropos of Gosselins, Inc., and their relationship with TLC, and each other.

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/how-the-mighty-fall

___________
Boy, this is so true. Think of the companies or individuals you can relate this to. It is like getting too big for your own britches.

fidosmommy said...

Just wondering.... I wonder if Kate looks at some of the edited-out footage to "watch" her children
and to mete out discipline accordingly. I wonder if that's why Aaden and his brother didn't want the cameras to watch while they extracted toys from a jacket pocket. Maybe that would get them in trouble with Mommy who was not there at the moment to see what they were up to.

Secondly, I agree that Kate can't decide if she's got toddlers or adults on her hands. Bibs and
sippy cups and spa days??? She has no clue what the real age of her children are, or how to engage them in any kind of activity that is interesting to THEM. Unless, of course, it's a trip paid for by someone else. But a day with Mom seems to be all about running errands, not playing in the yard or
riding bikes together. Now, if the kids had friends.......

bcsurvivor2001 said...

Again - I posted earlier - I don't think the Emeril episode was originally suppose to be their 100th. It was taped back in mid-March. They taped the spa weekend, Kate's BD and the tups 5th BD AFTER they taped this show. So - in essense I "think" the tups 5th BD would have actually probably been their 100th........BUT with all the hoopla tabloid stuff going on - they wanted to open with a bang - so showed the episodes out of order. It just played out for this one being the 100th. Don't tell me Emeril didn't know prior to filming this was the 100th episode. Historically this is a MILESTONE that everyone should have been aware of.

And considering that over the past several months things have gotten worse between them not better) - and they werent speaking at the opener - how are they tolerating each other now.

Just another lie to place on the list.

Angie said...

Well I'm very glad to see that the ratings are tanking. Last week I said my theory was that the people who used to watch for feel-good TV were going to tune out now that things have become awkward and that it would take a bit of time for the people who were looking for a trainwreck to get bored and leave - and it looks like it's happening already:

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/jon-and-Kate-ratings-dip-for-100th-episode-2009295

For those of you who don't feel like clicking on the link, here are the ratings for the season so far:
Week 1 - 9.8
Week 2 - 5.5
Week 3 - 4.3

Allecher said...

Throughout the episode there were multiple times when Kate mentioned that Jon is lost in the kitchen. I found it pretty ironic when the episode that aired right after this was the repeat episode where Jon cooks Korean food. Do you think the scheduling was purposeful?

mollybloom said...

Terrific narrative, Laura. Thanks for watching so others can be spared the agony.

Just from reading, I must say I'm impressed by the amount of action (kids inside, kids outside, Jon on garlic, Jon on granola, Kate mugging for the camera, Kate mugging--forget it--etc., etc.) that be achieved in just TWO hours of filming. Two hours! That Kate Gosselin is just amazing, isn't she.

Eeelys said...

Laura, thanks for the play by play, it was absolutely hilarious. I admit that I watched the episode, but didn't catch half of what you picked up.

But your analysis of the ending was pretty sobering and quite right - that the kids have had so many adults pushed out of their lives, and here they are just watching one more caring person leave them. The "Jon and Kate Comedy show" is anything but funny to those kids.

Missy said...

Ugh! I wish Emeril would have come back with, "But french fried onions aren't organic!"

Lindseyrr said...

arminius - you're right in your comparison of the J&K enterprise to a failing business. They seem to be around stage 3 right now. They are in total denial of the problems that they have.

Kate herself will hit stage five when she gets her hands on her own talk show because it will quickly go down in flames. No one will care what she has to say and it will devastate her to know that world no longer admires her. She will end up a sad and bitter woman whose kids don't love her. And you know damn well Steve or any other man won't be around when this woman implodes. I hope to God the kids aren't around. She is on a collision course with failure. I wish her well though. She's gonna need serious help a year or two from now because I don't think she can carry on this act much longer.

WaterGate2009 said...

What a sad clip about the water!!! What 'normal' mother wouldn't give the shirt off her back, never mind a drink of water, to her child? It didn't seem to me that Maddy was being manipulative or nudgey. She genuinely seemed thirsty! That kind of stuff is what the kids will remember for years, unfortunately. They could probably care less about a big house, cute clothes or vacations.

Good Grief--can someone please stop this freak show, and soon????

just wondering said...

mollybloom said...
Terrific narrative, Laura. Thanks for watching so others can be spared the agony.

Just from reading, I must say I'm impressed by the amount of action (kids inside, kids outside, Jon on garlic, Jon on granola, Kate mugging for the camera, Kate mugging--forget it--etc., etc.) that be achieved in just TWO hours of filming. Two hours! That Kate Gosselin is just amazing, isn't she

----------------------------

I guess that means that two of Jon's garlic peeling hours must have been performed off the clock, so to speak!

yougiveTLCratings said...

the milk dairy issue - soon it will be eight little faces on a milk carton coming to a grocery store near you - as soon as those kids are old enough to "burn rubber" they are out of there.....not that Hate would notice - she will be way TOOOOOO exhausted by then, UNLESS she see a dip in the bank account - then she will be frantically searching for her eight little cash cows

Naj said...

WaterGate2009 said...
What a sad clip about the water!!! What 'normal' mother wouldn't give the shirt off her back, never mind a drink of water, to her child? It didn't seem to me that Maddy was being manipulative or nudgey. She genuinely seemed thirsty! That kind of stuff is what the kids will remember for years, unfortunately. They could probably care less about a big house, cute clothes or vacations.

Good Grief--can someone please stop this freak show, and soon????
+ + + + + + + + + +

It reminds me of a CSI episode where there is a child abuduction and a woman is posing as the child's mother, yet there is something she does that give her away as "not the Mama".

Caruso, Grissam or Mac Taylor would be dragging Kate away in handcuffs if they saw that clip.

"I AM there mother!"
"No you aren't lady! A real mother doesn't act like that, we're going to run prints now to find these kids real mom."

Paige said...

“I love onions,” Kate declares. Meanwhile, her children look on dejectedly as their succubus mother steals attention away from them once again.

--------

One of many hilarious quotes from this recap. Excellent job!

I was also frustrated at the lack of actual FOOD in the episode. I know it's the Kate Gosselin Show, but since she has that damn cookbook coming out, you'd think somebody at TLC would've at least slapped a recipe on the screen for a few seconds, or had somebody say, "To view the recipes, go to Jon and Kate's page on tlc.com!"

So simple and yet...

Laura Q. Stone said...

This was by far the best recap I've read! You did a great job Laura Linger.

Miss Brown Betti said...

What kind of lunch did Kate serve the kids? A think slice of turkey,a couple carrot sticks and a cucumber slice? Just becasue she wants to loose weight doesn't mean that the kids need NOT TO GAIN WEIGHT! I was happy to see EMERIL prepare a HOT meal with substance for the kids.

ImFrancie said...

Did not watch, of course. Although I'm not a huge Emeril fan, I think they should have given HIM a plug by pointing folks to his website. The recipes are there:

www.emerils.com

I think I might try the chili mac and the green bean casserole, including the fried onions from scratch. Both recipes do sound yummy. I will not text while eating though.

But why, oh why was Emeril not given a place of honor at the table? Doesn't the McMansion have a large dining room and expandable table, big enough to seat 3 adults and 8 kids comfortably? And I would trot out my best china, crystal, and silver for the likes of Emeril. Classless jerks!

Huh said...

CityGirl said:

It does seem that the kids take to everyone, that is because strangers are friendlier and actually allow the children to speak, a complete sentence.

******

That's what was bothering me this episode! I was thinking how nice it was that Emeril was so great with the kids, and was teaching them how to cook, listening to them talk, and engaging them in conversation. Then I started to wonder what was unusual about that, and it hit me: Their own mother never acts that way with them! Strangers in their lives treat them with more kindness and attention than their mother, and that's just really sad.

I think Kate is just one of those parents who think they can show love for a child with money and material possessions. It doesn't matter if you're there to tuck them in at night and read them stories as long as they're in matching beds and designer pjs.

I really wonder what Kate's childhood was like. Was she poor and is now trying to make up for it? Or was she spoiled and that's where she gets this sense of entitlement? Is this the way her parents treated her? Or did they love her but not buy her enough Guess jeans and made her bitter? It really baffles me how someone could become the kind of person Kate is.

jiminy said...

I just watched the episode from the spa vacation and I can't believe poor Maddy proudly says she bought her twin a stuffed turtle and then Kate says stuffed animals are the worst present in the world!!

I'm outraged. I cannot believe that she is so stupid? heartless? that she wouldn't realize that her comment would really hurt Maddy. Gosh. My heart just about broke for poor Maddy.


Besides that she's totally WRONG!

I think the word she used was 'worthless,' the most worthless present in the world. That's only because Kate has no imagination. Kids loves stuffed animals because they are actually dozens of toys in one. They can play so many things with stuffed animals, just one little one and there are worlds of fun available to them. Not to mention they are just cuddly and loveable. That's not worthless.

I still have a tattered old stuffed animal my brother gave me. I played the tar of that thing, but nowadays, it's just a token that reminds me that, even when we were kids and my brother went on a vacation that I couldn't go on, he was still thinking of me. Worthless my unwonky eye, Kate! That was such a mean comment, especially after having seen how proud Mady was of it.

LSJ said...

Amazing re-cap. You hit so many things right on money.

"As Jon says, “I don’t know either,” Kate raises her eyebrows, yet says nothing. You see, she doesn’t need to say a word. With one simple movement of her overtweezed brows on that nasty face of hers, she managed to convey breathtaking snideness and utter disdain for the man she chose to father her eight children. And frankly, it’s sickening, and it’s a great example of why I remain firmly on Team Jon, despite his recent misdeeds. I simply cannot blame the man."

Perfect.

And I love how you hightlighted the amazing kid moments during this episode. Their dialogue is what warms my heart and makes me pray for this family to get a miracle bestowed upon them everyday.

K8 H8 said...

Great recap. Though I think Jon was making an intentional joke when she asked him while grating cheese. He said, "it's degrating" - a simple spin on words.

Barb said...

Oh my goodness! This recap is too good and includes my new favorite adjective.....succubus!


"“I love onions,” Kate declares. Meanwhile, her children look on dejectedly as their succubus mother steals attention away from them once again.""

Huh said...

ImFrancie said:

But why, oh why was Emeril not given a place of honor at the table? Doesn't the McMansion have a large dining room and expandable table, big enough to seat 3 adults and 8 kids comfortably? And I would trot out my best china, crystal, and silver for the likes of Emeril. Classless jerks!

*****

I was thinking the same thing! Kate should've moved next to one of the kids and let Emeril have the head of the table. And what about the poor Sous Chef that spent 8 hours cooking food for them in the kitchen? He didn't get to sit down and eat with them at all? I guess he had to sit and eat somewhere else with the rest of the "help."

Everyday People??? said...

Two things I haven't seen mentioned that struck me:

1) Jon says he peeled garlic for four hours. This reminded me of how Kate cleaned the fridge for four hours before they moved in. Overdramatic much?

2) When Jon was measuring the vanilla out, Emeril said, "That's wimpy!" I wondered if he was referring to more than the vanilla. Jon wasn't too pleased with the epithet, especially when Kate had to chime in with her two cents about how much to add.

Emma said...

Wow, very thorough recap, Laura! Must take you a significant amount of time to write these.

Someone said...
"Now I know I did not watch this episode with my full attention, but I cannot recall anything that resembled a recipe."

There are recipes posted online, as per usual with cooking shows.

The one thing that gets to me are all the complaints about the food portions. The kids are clearly well fed and I think this should be the least of our worries.

Who Did What First said...

ImFrancie said...

".......I think I might try the chili mac and the green bean casserole, including the fried onions from scratch. Both recipes do sound yummy. I will not text while eating though.

But why, oh why was Emeril not given a place of honor at the table? Doesn't the McMansion have a large dining room and expandable table, big enough to seat 3 adults and 8 kids comfortably? And I would trot out my best china, crystal, and silver for the likes of Emeril. Classless jerks!"
----------------------------------


I didn't notice any mention in the recap about what the dinner with Emeril was served on. I know if I had Kate's money I would have the finest china and crystal. I guess Kate isn't used to those fine things, just mini skirts and killer wedgie shoes. Once again, I would like to remind all of those throw away aluminum pans from which she served the Christmas dinner.

They don't ever sit in a dining room, do they? They didn't have one in the old house, did they?

Just saying said...

I had to chime in again today to say that this recap only gets better with a second or third read. I'd like to nominate the "dead beaver" as the official terminology for her hairdo. Maybe we can take a poll and include "reverse mullet" and "angry soccer mom" as our other candidates.

My favorite line was:
"Kate, all stripey hair and false buoyancy, her mien that of a talk show host being parodied by a comedian"

How great to hear the word "mien" used in a sentence that wonderful and on-the-nose.

Love it.

KrisMum said...

OK. Coming out of longtime lurkerdom because of this comment:

Watching Kate mistreat her family has convicted me and changed me. For the better.

Seriously, ever since I watched that youtube clips of their "100 Bad Moments" (or something like that), I've had a whole new sensitivity to the way I interact with my kids. I *am* sort of a neat freak, but now - because I surely do NOT want to be like Kate! - I've found myself saying "yes" to requests to get out the pottery wheel or "help" me in the kitchen. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been so much more conscious of responding to my kids with more care and patience.

So I guess TLC actually lives up to its name some of the time. I've learned something from watching this Kate mess - what NOT to do!

IllyaLovesNapoleon said...

Thank you for the recap! I did not watch. It sounds as if it was soooooo terribly awkward. Emeril probably left skidmarks in the driveway as he peeled out of there.

Dead Beaver On Her Head for Kate's haircut is the most awesome name I have heard yet for that 'hairstyle' of hers.....bwahahahahaha! I've heard Ryan Seacrest BEG her to change it multiple times now on E! entertainment news. He has literally begged.

KrisMum said...

And oh yeah. I meant to say how much I enjoyed this recap.

I watched the first few minutes of this episode, and I have what might seem like a random question (but you J&K experts will probably be able to help me out):

Has Kate had some sort of facial plastic surgery, like a nose job? I know she had that tummy tuck and probably other "enhancements," but if you watch the old shows and then see her now, I think her whole face (specifically, the bridge of her nose, and the chubbiness of her cheeks) has changed. She looks like a whole different person to me, and I don't think just a tummy tuck, whiter teeth, and a really weird hairdo would do that.

Kara said...

Every since I watched this show and saw Emeril, it just occured to me that maybe he was the 'insider' that tipped the PA labor dept off to the "work" the kids were doing. He just did not seem impressed with Kate and would have rather cooked with just the kids than Kate.

Also I bet that the recipes weren't shown and will be in Kate's cookbook. "Special recipes from my show!"...

nicole said...

Great recap! I think that was one of the best I have read so far. Very witty. I agree that they should capture more moments with the kids. Maybe this is TLC's evidence that the kids only get filmed 2 hours a day?

Pink said...

Laura, your recap is superb! You have a way with the written word and I thank you for writing this recap.

You said, " Kate shouts on the top of her lungs, “STOP! STOP! STOP!” Her neuroses are at a fever pitch and we are only four minutes into the show."

So well said, Laura. Kate mothers her kids with brutality and always uses that harshness to get her points across. She resorts to YELLING at them, instead of calmly reasoning with them. And geez.....is she so repulsed over the supposed germs on her own flesh and bloods hands? Unbelievable!

I too noticed the loving way Jon was hugging the kids and interacting with them (it is natural and real....not done for the cameras), which was something we did NOT see from Kate. No, she was constantly interrupting conversations between Emeril, Jon and the kids to bring the focus back on herself. Just sickening to think she is giving parenting advice around the country. What a scam. This woman is callous and brutish as a person and a mother.

Mary said...

I think Kate has a lot of balls to say Jon is "lost in the kitchen" and to rib him for not knowing where the stove is, presumably.

Aside from the Korean dinner he cooked, there is NO WAY IN HELL Kate would stop being controlling enough to let him cook on a regular basis. No way would that happen! So yeah, if he's lost in the kitchen, it's because she prefers it that way.

It makes me ill to see the way she repeatedly enjoys humiliating and degrading her husband. I mean, it really makes me sad for Jon. Yeah, he's made some bad decisions as of late, but honestly. I don't blame him. At all. The man was a saint to put up with that harpy for as long as he did. I'm commend him for not currently being in jail for assault.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but that woman has serious, serious issues.

HannaBelleLechter said...

Laura Linger, Thanks for the recap -- very entertaining with great splashes of humor. I knew I could rely on GWoP. :)

More and more, Kate strikes me as a socially awkward person, oblivious to people and situations that surround her, and blind, deaf and dumb to others' feelings and reactions. She was born without an empathy chip, so her motherboard (so to speak) is just never going to be A+ up-to-par.

If I'm understanding the Emeril episode, Kate was doing a good deal of inappropriate laughing, slapping and mugging for the camera. Not too much new about any of that, except, since the premier episode of this season spotlighting the 5th Birthday (which I did watch myself), her high-pitched, raucous laughter seems completely forced and out of place and much too frequent. I think she's flailing.

I think her behaviors are defense mechanisms for sure. Honestly? I know this might sound more compassionate than Kate deserves, but I think she's lost at sea and floundering. Her careful planning and machinations have been successful beyond her dreams, but...now what?

Whatever the truth of their marital strife and breakup right now, Kate did come to rely on Jon for a lot of the childcare. So, yeah, I realize she has an army of nannies, helpers, chefs and majordomos, but, still, if Jon isn't there at home these days when she is there, she might very well be feeling a little bit alone, too solitary.

Now, the mystery of Mr Gray still persists, of course. If it's true that he has moved in and is more than just a bodyguard to Kate, then, well, this is the situation she asked for, isn't it? However, if she just had had it with Jon (for whatever her own wifely reasons) and if Jon did cheat (and if his story of a "Jon-can-have-gfs"-contract is a lot of BS), then I can understand Kate's feeling lost and betrayed.

But of course those are a lot of IF's, right? I'm not there, I'm not Kate or Jon, I don't know what's really what at this point.

I think it's great that Kate feels better about herself and her body and health and new fashion sense. If she truly wants to pursue some kind of actual career, there's no sin in that, as long as her children are well taken care of by people who
have been vetted for experience, temperaments and criminal backgrounds.

HannaBelleLechter said...

One last thing about Kate's ambitions: If she's truly shopping herself around for some kind of talk show gig, she will not be successful.

Talk shows are a special niche that need a special personality type. I assume she'd want something similar to Rachel Ray, Martha Stewart or the old Katie Brown show. Those setups necessitate interaction with guests and/or audience members, a common touch, a sense of humor, and an ability to laugh at oneself. Kate does not possess any of those traits.

I'd hope she's not entertaining the thought of a traditional talk show venue a la Jay Leno or Conan! Experienced and intelligent entertainers from Chevy Chase to Joan Rivers to Arsenio Hall have tried and failed on that road.

Even if one day we were to hear that TLC was giving Kate a talk-pilot, I'd still be shocked to hear of its pickup or its success. Anyone remember the Stacy London attempt at a late night talk show on TLC? She's one of the stylists on What Not to Wear on the same network; she's educated, very knowledgeable and capable, smart, savvy, attractive, funny.

Stacy's show was talk about fashion and beauty, with celeb guests, lots of good stuff especially geared toward women, but it lasted only a few episodes. Infotainment shows might look easy to do, but they are plenty hard.

And at the center of any talk-show's success would have to be a likable, knowledgeable host. Someone who could hold her own in conversation and in an intelligent give-and-take. That isn't Kate.

Kate's vocab is limited, her grammar and syntax are painful, her view of the world is very limited. I wonder if she reads the paper or newsmags or any kind of current big book, fiction or nonfiction? Jon Stewart reads (in full) every book of every guest he interviews. I cannot see Kate putting in that kind of effort or interest.

I wish the entire Gosselin family a lot of luck. The children are beautiful and I hope they can reach their true potential without any kinds of artificial restraints put on them due to parental selfishness and emotional neglect. Money isn't everything folks. When will Kate and Jon reach that realization?

JJ said...

Of course Jon gives the impression that he doesn't want to be there. Being there means being on camera. Being on camera = working. And we all know how great Jon is at working, and how much he loves it.

He'd rather be drinking in bars with college girls and snowboarding. Reap the rewards of the show without having to actually be on it.

Let the kids do the work, right Jon? They're not being exploited anyway, according to you. (Better parent, my butt. So he dishes out some hugs and is naturally immature so he can get along with children well. He's just as guilty except he'd rather not the fame; just the money.)

hereinpa said...

Laura's recap is so funny (and accurate)! Just a comment on the use or "our" "are" in the "but it's our life". Here in PA, though I am located on the other side of PA from the Gosselins, our and are are pronounced the same. "our" pronounced "hour" is never heard around here. It is just like the New England version of car is heard as "cah". It is just a type of dialect.

Frood said...

My DH and I noticed what appeared to be a rather large collection of knives in the corner by the stove, and came up with the following possible explanations:

1) Chef Emeril brought his knives with him (would be surprised if he keeps his in blocks like this, though)

2) Evidence of being "green"; these are knives that, having been originally placed there by Kate, have since been removed from Jon's back

3) A handy supply of new and shiny knives for Kate to use in backstabbing Jon or anyone else who will try to get in the way of her and her stardom. She must go through these like the water she doesn't share with her thirsty children.

/snark

Steph said...

jonandkatewho? said...
There's just something running through my mind about Jon being or seeming so finished with all of this.
Do you suppose that he is really about to take a fall for Kate so she can continue some kind of a show without him, and he will fade into obscurity?


I certainly agree with you. I think Kate's PR people are digging for dirt on Jon and feeding it to the tabloids (however easy it is for them to find) and are trying to make Kate into the A#1Mom in the country. It's no secret she's planning for a network talk show of her own and TLC will have some hand/profit in it I'm sure. All of Kate's pics on vacation playing with the kids was manufactured interaction for the show and tabloids - you've never seen her interact with them before that vacation have you? No - the whole thing was damage control for Kate! I do think that Jon's lawyers would have NO problem getting original copies of episodes to prove his statements if needed - along with crew statements.

The recap of the show was FABULOUS! I don't watch so I depend on the summary of the show and the writers comments - which are usually THE best part! Thanks!!

My SIL sees bits of the show at work and she told me that when they sat down to eat the meal Emeril had prepared J,K,Emeril and the twins ate from REAL plates! And the tups ate from plastic divided trays (she said they reminded her of tv dinner trays!) but the lidded cups with straws were still present!

Steph said...

bcsurvivor2001 said...
I don't think the Emeril episode was originally suppose to be their 100th. It was taped back in mid-March. They taped the spa weekend, Kate's BD and the tups 5th BD AFTER they taped this show. So - in essense I "think" the tups 5th BD would have actually probably been their 100th........BUT with all the hoopla tabloid stuff going on - they wanted to open with a bang - so showed the episodes out of order. It just played out for this one being the 100th. Don't tell me Emeril didn't know prior to filming this was the 100th episode.

When this show was taped in early/mid March Emeril twittered that he was in PA and had just finished taping J&K's 100th episode. So, yes he was aware of the significance of the show as was everyone else. I heard somewhere there was a cake and small celebration, but never saw pics.

Because of all of the tabloid 'issues' between J&K they had to hurry and tape the tups 5th Bday party and the couch interviews w/J&K and have shown previously taped episodes ever since. They taped a show where they visited the Smithsonian Museum that should have aired 2-3 weeks ago for the opening of the new movie 'Night in the Museum' (or whatever it was called) but it has yet to air. It's making it very confusing for people who watched J&K for the first time during the season 5 opener who saw J&K say they didn't know what was going to happen w/marriage, etc and since then they've watched and seen J&K together with the family as if nothing had happened and they think they've reconciled! People who've followed the show for years know better but new viewers have a totally different impression of what's happening with the family. On purpose by TLC? Very possibly.

Laurie from Allentown PA said...

It's either called "Being a Shrew will drive you husband in the arms of a 23-year-old" OR, in the immortal words of country singer Vince Gill, "It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long!" (No kidding, real song. My sister & I saw Vince Gill in concert last night and when it was playing, we turned to eachother & said, that should be the new theme song for J&K!!!!)

Huh said...

KrisMum said:

"Has Kate had some sort of facial plastic surgery, like a nose job? I know she had that tummy tuck and probably other "enhancements," but if you watch the old shows and then see her now, I think her whole face (specifically, the bridge of her nose, and the chubbiness of her cheeks) has changed. She looks like a whole different person to me, and I don't think just a tummy tuck, whiter teeth, and a really weird hairdo would do that."

******

Yeah, her face does look a little different, but I think it's more the result of weight loss, age, tanning, and make-up. When you hit your 30's, your face starts to lose the fat in the cheeks (hence the new plastic surgery rage among celebs of cheek fillers to look more youthful).

******

HannaBelleLechter said:

"Kate's vocab is limited, her grammar and syntax are painful, her view of the world is very limited. I wonder if she reads the paper or newsmags or any kind of current big book, fiction or nonfiction? Jon Stewart reads (in full) every book of every guest he interviews. I cannot see Kate putting in that kind of effort or interest."

******

Good point! In that huge house of theirs, I've never once seen a bookshelf, books, or seen any of them reading a book, with the exception of that mouse movie plug. If I had a house like that, I'd have a study/library for the kids to do homework that was filled with books.

Andrea and Rob said...

Oh My Laura. I think I giggled for a good five minutes at this part of your recap: "Uh, no, Kate, violence is never fun. That is, unless it is Jon and your children forcibly holding you down while Aunt Jodi and Uncle Kevin shave that roadkill you call hair clean off your head. Then I would laugh and laugh and laugh." Even just putting it here makes me laugh some more. Thanks for that.

IrishGal said...

I too found the kids eating lunch pretty gross, particular coming from eight-year-old Cara. How come these kids always eat by themselves? I haven't watched much lately, but not once have I ever really seen the whole family sit down to eat their dinner at once. They won't ever learn to eat politely if the parents aren't right by them setting a good example, nor will they ever learn not to use the bibs and highchairs if not given the chance not to. For the amount of special treatment Kate feels she deserves, this proves further that they really aren't that special.

expat said...

The "lunch" sort of bothered me, too. Didn't it look like stuff from the craft table? And where on earth did K8 find organic processed lunch meat?? If they are being fed from the craft table, couldn't she, or the not-the-nanny, make them a sandwich, instead of giving them a plain piece of meat?
This was the first episode I've actually watched in awhile, and I thought Emeril was very warm and gracious, and did his best to include Jon and the kids, and that just made K8's behaviour glaringly worse. The fact that the camera guys continued to film the two boys while Collin (?) revealed his secret hiding place saddened me so much. Kids need these little special things in their lives, and I get the feeling they don't have many. And, as someone mentioned, it gives lie to the whole "oh, the kids aren't filmed if they don't want to be" defense.
Great job with the recap, Laura!! Very well written, and just the right amount of wonderful snark!

luvthekids said...

Maybe I took it wrong, but I thought Collin was pretending to do magic,for the sound and camera guy. And Aaden was the lookout making them keep their eyes shut until he revealed the "trick" and pulled out the two little toys. Like Ta da! Then later Collin rode his bike with no hands and said Magic. I took it to mean they might have been playing magic alot since their birthday party had a magician?

jen said...

I tried watching this episode on youtube like 5 times and can't get through part 1, Kate is too annoying.

I wish they would take this show off the air already. Damn.

Lawfrog said...

ispendtoomuchtimehere has it right on! The kids will feel a lot of guilt over their hatred/indifference toward their mother when they are adults. Hopefully they will get therapy early on in their adult lives to understand their pain and be able to live fulfilling lives without the horrid influence that is their mother.

Becky said...

I would really love the show if Kate were never on it again. Seriously. She is nausiating. Especially when she has someone other than the kids to talk at in that fake-high-pitched-I'm-awesome voice. (if it's just the kids around, it's the uh-huh-go-away voice.) Anyways. The kids are very cute, as usual. I was so mad when Kate said "Do you even know where the stove is..." to Jon. I hate that. He should have totally let her have it, but he was not rude in front of guests, unlike his wife. The weirdest thing to me was at dinner. Why are the 5 year olds in restaurant high chair seats? Why? They are 5! There's really no reason for them to be in those, is there? My son isn't even 2 yet and we are working on sitting in the real chair. Just so strange. I guess just another way for Kate to control them and everything about her life. I did notice her say the comment about "wash your hands in MY room." I don't know if it was intentional, but it spoke volumes. Ok, that's my two cents.

Jimmy said...

Maybe this has already been posted, but did anyone notice on the Teutels episode when Jon rode off on his new bike, Paul Sr. said
"There he goes" and Kate said something like "Good! Let him go!"

My husband just looked at me and we shook our heads and rolled our eyes. I really can't imagine what it will take to wake her up. She has such a short circuit in her brain. I think her behavior is so shocking because normal people don't think like she does so it is impossible to comprehend ever acting like her.

Hell lasts forever Kate. Our time here is short.

Moons in Leo said...

Wonderful, wonderful recap, Laura. Needless to say I didn't watch, and I was happy to hear tha tmillions who watched on Memorial Day didn't bother to tune in either.

TLC needs to figure out that Kate is the Captain Queeg on the Gosselin Sub.

JACKYinCANADA said...

The fact that the 5yr olds were eating their dinner in plastic baby tray dinner plates, with bibs on high chairs and sippy cups did not go unnoticed by Emeril. He just looked on in utter amazement. The whole spectacule was sick. She is obviously still trying to make them appear like babies despite the fact they are now in school. This was not lost on ANYBODY!

I noticed the kids now have "lines" in show. Wearing the Emeril Aprons and doing choreographed numbered singing Jon and Kate plus 8 and jumping up yelling BAM! Interesting.